I’ll just leave this here
No, not recently, but I have been thinking about the past a lot lately. You know where I am: where I was; who I am; who I thought I was.
Not long after starting down this road, Reed had asked me to clean the utility room portion of our basement. Like any new Dder I was slightly thrilled at the ‘request’, yet was not thrilled at the REQUEST. Our utility room is a bit of a sore spot for me- yes even 7 years later. I believe I am often the one who tidies and reorganizes it- yet its downfall rarely falls solely on my shoulders.
That day, I started my organization as I always do, in my area- the laundry, the craft and wrapping paper stuff. Sadly this area is only 1/4th of the room. Reed’s tools and crap quickly in crouch my area and my frustration tends to build tiding it up as I find places for everything and they only seem to rest there ONCE.
After tiding my area I moved to the back portion of the room. There stacked in my way was a tower of summer truck tires. I convinced myself I was defeated and phoned Reed at work, explaining to him I couldn’t continue the chore he asked of me due to the truck tires in my way. He asked me a few questions and that was about it ( I don’t recall the questions now just that they were in regard to the room).
I then set about my day. Something felt off in me however. We were new to ttwd, and even more than that I was very new to feeling certain emotions. They often manifested themselves in a less clear cut way than they do now. That day I could only describe them as this niggling feeling. Deciding that shaking off this feeling wasn’t going to work this time, I sat down and started to examine what was going on with me.
I will spare you the process, mostly because I don’t recall it, but I came to the realization that I had manipulated the situation so I didn’t have to continue cleaning the room. I realized that if I had chosen to do the room on my on accord, I would have moved the truck tires one by one out into the family room in order to access the area behind them. In fact I was most likely the one who brought them down to the utility room to begin with after becoming frustrated with them on our main floor months prior. The truth was I just didn’t want to and I had convinced myself that I couldn’t continue. I HAD MANIPULATED even myself! This revelation had led to much reflection that afternoon- how many times had I omitted/overlooked facts so I could only see things my way? How many times did this affect Reed?
It was an awful feeling. I hadn’t done it intentionally, but in some ways that made it worse. It was such a habit I didn’t even realize I did it! I finished the task he had set out for me. I had decided I needed to confess to Reed and if I was going to put myself out there, I needed to give myself a little bit of self respect back before I did. It didn’t work. I still felt awful.
Let me just stop here- I wouldn’t consider myself a person who ruminates ( or wouldn’t have) over such a seemingly harmless ‘lie’. If I were the one reading versus writing this post, I may even question the ‘drama’ behind it. LOL. But this was the first real time ttwd put a mirror in front of me. I had done plenty of self reflection prior to bringing ttwd to my husband and examined many overt issues I found. This time it was different ( though sadly not unique as I discovered over the years since Dd’s inception). This was more like a sucker punch- delivered by my own hand!
After completing the task I still didn’t feel any better about myself. We now had a tidy utility room, but that feeling of satisfaction was overshadowed. I needed to phone Reed. This was a stage in our dynamic where punishments were few. Reed was still trying to wrap his head around the authority he had, and battle what society had told him his entire life, so I wasn’t nervous placing the call due to what type of punishment I was to face.
It is one thing to discover something about yourself, it is a completely different ballgame to say it out loud. It is almost as if it makes it MORE REAL. After I told him what I discovered he laughed, or rather chuckled. He assured me while new to Dd he was not new to me, and he knew exactly what I was doing. He did give me credit that he believed I would eventually finish the task.
I don’t recall if I was punished or not for my manipulation of facts. I highly doubt I was. That day pops into my head quite often, as clear as if it happened last week. The habit itself did not become difficult to break, if you count success as thinking the manipulation and then overcoming it initially rather than voicing it.
There are times I think I see other shades of it in me- perhaps blaming Reed for something that I too could have contributed to, but for the most part that part has been diminished . Thank goodness because there were so many other things I learned I needed to eradicate or control from that day forward. Not all negative in the way manipulation is, but negative when it came to uncovering who I really was. TTWD is the therapy session that never ends!
Odd, I created this space to write, and then I didn’t. Believe it or not that isn’t typical of me. I have written a lot for Reed, or perhaps AT Reed would be more accurate, but not to share.
Why today? ( especially as I am ‘high’ on medication and after rereading the entire post several times, am confused as to why I started writing it in the first place? LOL) I can’t actually answer that. With Google shutting down google plus in a few weeks, I found myself pouring over old chats from when I first started down this road years ago. Why I said *I* and not we is because I had started to live submission before bringing it to Reed. It occurred to me reading these old chats/emails that in some small way, I miss the ‘simplicity’ of it all when life was new with ttwd. Though I have to say, back then it felt anything but simple.
Years ago there was a post floating around comparing Dd and those attempting it to the game Trivial Pursuit. The basic premise of the post was we all start off with empty game pieces. Some people zoom around the board at a rapid pace, not collecting any pieces, or accumulating many depending on their knowledge ( Dd wise-experiences and opportunities). Life throws many things at us, and we are all so different that one Dd team may get the consistency pie piece right away, but the effective communication piece might be illusive for a while ( as a simple example).
I think of this often when I think of where I am specifically with my submission and where we are as a ‘team’. Years into Dd D/s I have found we have what some would consider ‘newbie’ issues- but issues we didn’t have as newbies. Reed creating more submission opportunities comes to mind. Yes, I still believe that the onus is on me to be the most authentic me I can be and that means being a submissive regardless of life around me. However life isn’t that cut and dry. Often mistakes, and miscommunication derail my once steadfast conviction to my authentic self. Honestly I believe we have even created new bad habits in the past couple of years.
Where once upon a time I looked for any indication of dominance and blew oxygen into that. Years later I find I often LOOK for the dominance before feeling my submission. ( Yet oddly enough after Reed goes to work and I am alone, I begin to work on it myself again) In my mind’s eye, that shouldn’t be. In my memory it wasn’t like that prior. BUT I suppose we didn’t collect that piece of the pie when we landed on it years ago?
My real reasoning for bringing up the Trivial Pursuit analogy was because I revisited a blog I hadn’t in a very long time because I basically couldn’t relate before. Not that the author wasn’t a good writer or that I didn’t find value in their dynamic, it just wasn’t something I could draw from, at the time. Today was different. Today ( my take away at least) she wrote about how she can do submissive things though not easily ( I have always felt submission for the most part on a day to day basis comes easily- but perhaps Reed doesn’t require much from me. On an emotional day? Not so much) but the greatest growth for her comes when he demands more than she thinks she can give. Today we seem to be working on the same pie piece.
There has always been that debate among friends and myself- is it truly submission if it is easy? if it doesn’t cost anything? * That usually gets the subs going in a conversation! LOL. My personal answer? Not for me. I should probably expand that to include, sure it is submission for him visually, and without those little acts of submission the big ones would never happen, but my growth, ease, and acceptance of who I am comes with the more challenging ‘acts’ of submission. Sort of like an artist sitting down to colour versus an artist painting an original work of art. Or maybe a runner going around the block instead of running 5k. ( can’t say we’ve approached marathon status to use that in the analogy). The every day little jaunts keep one in shape, to a point, but leaves the knowledge that what can be done isn’t required- especially if what can be done, HAS been done.
It is something I have noticed with many of my DdD/s friends over the years. The more the balance of power is authentically shifted, even if only in pockets of time, the more we therefore expect it to be- and stay. I believe that is the natural progression of a submissive. Ideally that is also the natural progression of a Dominant as well. Sadly they are horrible followers! LOL
There is a trust built, and I hesitate to say perhaps a level of submission and dominance came hand in hand with that trust. When those levels of submission and/or dominance appear watered down, for a day, a week, a month, or even a isolated situation depending on the individuals involved, that trust can seem or become askew. I’m not saying it SHOULD be, but for many- such as myself, it can be.
So why after so many years is this even an issue? Why indeed? Perhaps we didn’t conquer and obtain the piece of the pie initially because it was truly difficult for the team? Perhaps we have a similar category piece of the pie, and believed it was the same so didn’t try for it? Or a more honest answer might be, the longer we are in pursuit, the more the rules change because the players, while the same are different as they grow along.
Why does it take so long to reset a mindset? You KNOW in your head where you need to be but the heart always takes so much longer. Honestly I personally find this an extremely frustrating part of my character!
I read, A LOT. Not Dd or D/s fiction, couldn’t be bothered, but the rest of you have at it if that is your thing, no judgment here. I read a lot of blogs, tumblr, chats, (though I rarely participate anymore), forums. I don’t participate in many of those areas anymore because I just can’t relate. That is more a comment on myself than the contributors I can assure you. I can’t pinpoint why I feel like a fish out of water in those areas. I have thought on it for a long time. People in this community don’t change on mass, so it makes no sense other than where I am at mentally that I cannot find a common ground or couldn’t be bothered to dig to find it- I should say.
So anyway, I read a lot and think a WHOLE lot more! I examine motivation, what is between the lines, not to criticize but to understand. To examine where I might be in that situation. To understand the struggle in hopes to understand myself. I also think out loud a LOT. Ask my friends! lol. I miss the in depth conversations I used to take part in more than I do now.
Anyway I digress- as life would have it, I have been talking to a woman relatively new to this dynamic. Her dynamic is vastly different than mine only due to the mindset of both her and her husband. The way her story has been told to me over the past few weeks, their motivation is completely different than mine or Reed’s. Not here to judge on whether that is right or wrong, it is just different. Sometimes though through vast differences one can see themselves.
I began to realize as I became more and more involved in her life as a sounding board that my answers were the answers *I* actually needed to hear. When we first embarked on this , ‘journey’ , ‘adventure’, ‘hell ride’, ‘ roller coaster’, ‘yellow brick road to the great and mysterious Oz’ I viewed my position as keeper of MY promises. Sounds overly simplistic, but it in reality it IS that simple. Remove the hurt caused by past history. Remove the frustration of lack of forward movement from my Dom ( at times). Remove the stresses of every day life- and goodness knows there are heaps of those. Beyond all of those things are my promises.
I didn’t obey because Reed was deserving of it. It wasn’t my duty to police him. I didn’t obey or submit to ‘build him up so he’d be more dominant’. I didn’t put a time limit on submission based on his dominance. I obeyed/ submitted because I said I would. I obeyed/submitted because I have this deep seated need to defer to him. The benefits were amazing, as true weightlessness and freedom was found on the other side.
Somewhere along the line though, I lost sight of MY responsibility in my mindset. Sure I can claim his actions, words, broken promises on occasion ( for whatever reason, sometimes it was unavoidable) gave me justification in my mind to run and hide. I made a wall of self righteousness because of hurt. It is far easier to be angry and use that emotion as a force field to deflect any wrong doing on my part and keep me ‘safe’ while doing so. I told myself, and him that standing where I was was all I could do. I couldn’t meet him half way. I needed him to prove to me it was safe to do so. And to be truthful I did. The issue became that he did start to meet me half way, some days literally grabbing me and hauling me in that direction. But somewhere along the line, I put the onus of my submission on him in my own mind. Proving I need him to be there is one thing, but how I see or react to such ‘proof’ is my doing.
What sub doesn’t want to hear the words, ” I want you back. And bit by bit inch by inch I am going to get you back even if that means I have to do so with you kicking and screaming all the way.” ? My heart did soar the moment he said that but I allowed my mind to quickly grab it and pull it back to the ground with a crashing thud! Essentially I lost the plot. I can sit with many of you and justify why I couldn’t allow myself to trust based on a hundred different arguments, and I’d be correct. HOWEVER I was missing the best argument of all to trust, because I said I would. Because at my core that is who I am. That is who I need to be and who I want to be.
You know we often hear of consistency or lack thereof when discussing Dd/ D/s. Usually a Dd wife will declare that her husband is inconsistent. I always was conflicted by this, in my life. You see, while I understand that and have been the ‘victim’ of it myself, the other side of the coin is always, ” If you are being consistent, then how are you aware he is not?” . I mean if you are doing what you promised to do, follow rules ,expectations etc…then he really shouldn’t have much to do in the way of discipline should he? LOL. Which is actually why we ended up morphing into D/s to give us more outwardly ways to show Dominance and Submission. No our issue here is continuity, but that is for a whole other post.
So today I wake with not a new or fresh perspective. Today I blew off the dust of my old perspective. I saw it there for a long time I just couldn’t uncover it fully. Today I submit fully, (I have been robotically submitting for the most part)because I said I would. He can do what he does because in part it currently should make little difference negatively affecting my mindset. I will always need support and cultivation to grow and feel acceptance of who I am ( which he does give me more often than not), but starting today I will be me. I will not fight the little voice- I will fight the loud one of doubt. Today I will start the motion of flipping their positions again. I will do so by taking the small/giant step of fulfilling my promises, not just for his benefit, but for mine. Because I AM responsible for my own mindset. The onus is and always has been on me to be submissive in every aspect of the word.
I am going to take a different turn here today because I think my pondering/rambling and maybe even pontificating in this post might help me get back to me a bit.
I was talking the other day to a few girl friends. One mentioned something she heard, ( not sure the source, not sure the entire context of the conversation but this little snippet prompted me to write about it. I have no clue what the person who said it or a portion of it meant as none of us were there when it was said). Basically the quote was,
” D/s is play and Dd is real”
Huh. First off I should say, I don’t subscribe to any hierarchy when it comes to dynamics. For some being taken in hand is far more difficult than others who are slaves. It is all subjective. In my opinion it is all based on the individuals within those dynamics. The reason I do have an issue with this is primarily the judgmental aspect to the statement. If I were to examine it through my lens ( which I am totally going to do LOL) I’d say this individual hasn’t lived a D/s dynamic. Perhaps they have played at BDSM or are confusing the two? But for today I am going to dissect how with my life experience thus far this quote couldn’t be further from the truth.
We came at this dynamic via Dd. Or so we thought, not about to go into how Dd is actually a form of D/s, that is a topic for another day. Based on this quote above I am going to leave that fact out and delve into how our lives began to change when we opened up our minds to the D/s concept.
( I don’t want to waste time constantly adding disclaimers here….or lengthen the post as I am already a wordy woman. I will be writing via our view point so if I say he or she please do not think I am excluding male subs or female Doms. The post will most like sound preachy, and again only our point of view from experience so please don’t feel insulted or talked down to, if it appears I am doing that)
OKAY so FOR US….. lol
Dd now seems a bit lazy, in comparison to where we are now. I know it takes a lot of hard work for many, but for us it was a great stepping stone to this other life. Yes Dd is still part of our dynamic, but as a foundation to build upon. I say lazy because really my Hoh reacted to my actions. He set the rules, I was to follow ( oh see D/s…lol) but if I didn’t he was to take action. With D/s he sets the rules, I am to follow, that hasn’t changed, but the rules or expectations grow. There is also not the thought of ‘getting caught’ if a rule is broken. My bum doesn’t tingle or anything else for that matter if I break a rule and am going to be punished. It is a huge deal that can take its toll on our relationship in ways it didn’t during Dd. Breaking a rule is breaking a promise. What else has changed is the fact that expectations are there to keep me or him in our mindset, and our roles as well. There are exercises in submission to help cultivate my need. These help me grow, bring down walls, etc.
I think many people believe D/s is all about kink ( confession I did when we started Dd), and for some it most certainly is. For us the kink is fun( at least for ONE of us), it brings us closer, but it also serves a purpose- cultivation. The thing for us is, the kink aspect while it plays a key part, isn’t the entire picture.
In fact it is submitting to very vanilla things that has me at my most submissive. Without the D/s in vanilla activities, the kink stuff falls very short. I can feel extremely detached regardless of what is going on sexually to me if my submissive mindset is on pause.
So what kind of vanilla? Well I am and always have been a stay at home wife. My responsibility is our home. Reed has to work later, and has instructed me to iron a shirt for him ( even though there are a few ready to go in his closet already). I have to do this at a specific time, no where near the time he is going to go to work). It isn’t a huge deal right? Except to me this makes no sense. I can iron 10 shirts all at once, because the ironing board will be out, but that isn’t going to happen. ONE SHIRT, at this time. Why? Because he said so. Do I want to? NOPE. Will I get all melty because I did? Probably not. Will I do it ? Of course. Will I have nipple clamps on, and a plug in*- probably not this time, but who knows? Does this bring us closer? Not really, BUT it helps the dynamic. * side note, I had to stop writing to iron his ONE shirt, no nipple clamps or butt plug- and I’m not disappointed. LOL
Of course I would have ironed more shirts for him today, but this is his agenda. I don’t control the situation by doing more ironing because it makes more sense- something I would have done Dd days. I submit. I submit to the spirit of the direction. I submit to making appointments on his demand/request. I stay off of the computer, or phone, or ask to call someone. I eat when I am told to, drink or don’t drink when I am supposed to. I am not to ask for alcohol at home with him, but I can text him if someone offers me a drink. The list goes on and on. All of these little things, vanilla in nature to the outside eye, well maybe not because I have to ask, but they aren’t sexual, maintain or build upon our dynamic. They serve a purpose.
When first starting our Dd relationship, there was no maintaining anything. It (as once said somewhere) was Set it and Forget it. He set the rules, I followed, and it was not really brought up again unless I broke them. Of course we had resets, ( oh look D/s) when I started to drift away or get curt, but for the most part as long as the 5 D’s he set out where followed we went about our merry way….until I needed more ( another story for another day). Dd as we lived it opened a portal to a more D/s structured lifestyle- which ultimately became just life.
D/s became the electricity that ran through our relationship and kept it moving. I don’t mean just sparks, I mean it became the thing that kept us both alive. To us it isn’t a game, though when deep connection is lost, or one partner seems to pause, it can most certainly feel game-like, but trust me games don’t hurt emotionally like this. Games don’t reach down and touch your soul allowing you to live your true life.
We don’t have rituals or protocol ( currently in our lives God only knows what the future will bring). I am not certain from where we stand now, that is truly us. I know for many it works wonders, for us it currently would feel forced. Living this dynamic though, I have learned to say ‘never say never’.
I became *a* submissive through D/s. Prior to that I submitted. Perhaps for those who haven’t gone through that metamorphosis, there is no distinction. Perhaps for those who have always been *a* submissive, they also can not relate. I can only describe what I believed happened to me.
Perhaps those of us who live a D/s lifestyle should feel insulted by the comment. I don’t. I think the media, tumblr et al promote an idea of something. If one doesn’t delve deeper and only reads the ‘tweet’ they can formulate an opinion based on appearance alone. If one has played and that is their D/s, that is their D/s. I can’t argue that point. That is their experience and I cannot nor should I try to convince them otherwise. That just isn’t our experience
D/s is difficult. At least it is for me at times. The things I am about to say, can no doubt be found in Dd and vanilla relationships. Some of them existed in our vanilla marriage for years, yet they didn’t bring the same satisfaction, and connection they do now within the context of our dynamic. I anticipate more now, and what has changed is it is expected of me. I have to think what he would like and how to achieve that. All these little exercises given or taken put him first in my mind, despite what I want. That doesn’t mean I sacrifice my identity, or push aside all I need- but it can mean pushing aside what I want or when my needs are met, for a greater good. This also doesn’t mean, in our relationship, he sits on his throne and commands orders that serve him only—all the time. He sacrifices a lot- especially time, to cultivate our life. The life we need. The letting go of control only happens if he creates situations that control has to be relinquished, no matter how small. With Dd, I just had to fall in line and give up control when it came to punishments, or decision making on a larger scale. These decisions that came our way, the universe presented. With D/s he creates opportunities to submit to his control, and yes often that does include sexually.
In our dynamic, even when he can’t see me, actually especially when he can’t see me I am to be his submissive in order to thrive. Some things seem small and ridiculous, perhaps game-like to others;
I generally get up hours before Reed ( unless it was today when I was told I had to stay in bed until 7 am. I usually wake between 5 and 6, and am a morning person so laying there doing nothing was torture. At 7 he told me I could go down at 7:30 to make coffee….URGH!) I have my coffee long before him. My ‘ritual’ for myself is to brew my coffee then before even taking a sip set everything up for his coffee- even if it will to be hours later before he gets up. Does he know this? I have no clue. BUT it does something for me to know I am ready for him at any time. He will often expect me in a dress of some sort. Though he doesn’t say I have to wear one, unless he does. I could technically change the moment he walks out the door. He’d never know. If I have put on a dress because that is what I chose that day as it is his preference, I technically could change into sweats and not be disobedient at all….but I don’t. I want to remain the visual he left until it is time for bed. I have no rules or expectations on how to do my hair or make up, but I do what he likes, because I am a) his wife but moreover b) because he likes it and I am his submissive. Do I want to deal with this curly/frizzy mess when it is a thousand degrees out and put mascara on when my eyelids are sweating? HELL NO! But I take pride in doing so because it is how he likes things. If he gives me a list of chores, often there isn’t a time constraint, but sometimes there is. If there isn’t I still do what he wants done first. I don’t do this because I might run out of time, though that could happen. I do it because I want his wants done first. Granted there is also a benefit of letting go of the nagging feeling that I haven’t done what he wants when I do his stuff first, but that isn’t the primary reason.
Last example- this post. I am in a bit of a ‘(censored) you!’ mode today. Probably hormones, but regardless it is there. I decided to reflect on things to see if I could crack the armour just a tiny bit. But now I have to go wipe out the fridge. The King ( 😉 ) has a headache and is in bed. He texted me he wants it completed within the next 45 minutes. I could probably do it in less time up to snuff for him, but that isn’t the spirit of the exercise. If it isn’t the best I can make it, and yes something as simple as wiping out a fridge to the highest standard (not his but higher) is part of it.
I don’t expect others to understand how my mind works and how my heart follows because of our D/s dynamic. That really wasn’t the point. I would hope that even if one doesn’t understand what makes this particular submissive tick the vernacular used to define someone else’s dynamic or life would be open ended, and less close minded. A girl can dream. I mean what else does she have to do with her head stuck in a fridge wiping out mystery gelatinous crap off of the shelves?
Thanks for being my therapy session!
A few days ago Reed was trying to have a discussion with me. I say trying to because quite frankly I wasn’t that receptive to the entire process. My perception is that he tends to repeat himself when it currently comes to our dynamic. I was trying not to roll my eyes ( I know, frustration has been at an all time high) so I mindlessly flipped through my phone while keeping an ear out. He was puttering around as he spoke too. Suddenly he was in front of me, hands down the front of my scoop neck top taking a hold of my nipples. He pinched and twisted, holding tight. I flinched and locked my jaw tight.
” Look at me! I want you back….and I intend to get what I want”
That was it. No more discussion really on the matter that day. Yesterday did not start out particularly well. In the interest of not making every post a novel I’ll spare you the drama. Basically I ended up naked and in tears with a halted punishment as the catalyst. Trust me when I say, I wasn’t crying because the punishment didn’t really happen. There once was a time when if I was being punished Reed knew there was a bigger problem at work here. Not that I was ever the perfect sub, but submission has always come easily for me ( could have been that for the great majority of our dynamic Reed rarely brought me out of my comfort zone and when he did, if I didn’t comply graciously it was more about discussing why and less about punishment). Now I struggle, as I said last post, with it in ways I never did. It is almost like I have gone backwards. So far back I am behind where I even started. So that was what brought on the tears.
For a long while our conversation was very unproductive. He once again became repetitive and I shut down further with the occasional sobbing mess thrown in. After some time, Reed left. He returned with the vague outline of an idea. He went on for a while about our relationship and pillars within our foundation that need to be rebuilt. I love my husband dearly, but I have to tell you it took about 45 minutes before he really got to his point. LOL. I don’t want to poke fun of him, I just want to paint an accurate picture of our discussion. Basically there was a great deal of ” Lord give me strength to not interrupt and let him process out loud” His idea? That we were going to have an agenda, which he would come up with but I would contribute subject matters to for him to think over, for a conversation on our dynamic. These topics would be very specific and he would follow his agenda, as he tends to get off topic ( his words, but the truth).
This morning he talked to me a bit about the written assignment he gave me last night which was in relation to his agenda idea. I hadn’t offered too much detail, or maybe even enough of what he wanted, but he claimed it was fine. He started a conversation surrounding our D/s. I could feel my frustration building as it appeared to be heading the way it normally does. Thankfully I was mostly able to keep myself in check and Reed was surprisingly patient. He wanted to examine why things he was tasking me to do were not touching me like they used it.
I went on to explain to him that our dynamic was similar to a boat taking on water ( an analogy I had used before). And because we had had this discussion before I began to feel the boat was sinking. I told him his tasks were like trying to bail this boat with a teaspoon. If the boat had just started to take on water, the urgency might not warrant anything more that a small spoon, however this has been going on for a while now. You can’t bail this much water without a bucket.
We went on to talk about what a bucket would look like. Fortunately he has a notebook with a ‘day in the life of Evelyn’ that he looked at and we discussed( it showed what he used to demand from me). He also had expectations and rules printed out in this book. Some he still maintains, but many go by the wayside. I have explained to him in the past that if I fail at a rule and it goes unmentioned over time I believe it isn’t important to him. We talked about how giving me a task to do that I do every day ( ie water the plants in the garden or feed the dog) is rather lazy as a stand alone. Years ago he would a book with things I like to get done daily, weekly, monthly, special tasks etc, and on top of that I would have to submit any thing I would like to do to him in writing, then he would make up his own agenda from those. He stopped using that book, and the requests in writing disappeared last winter ( a fault of both of us no doubt). It was replaced with the same chores, or he took to asking me what I had planned for the day and told me to do that.
We also talked about things that are expected every day, eating times and bed time for example. These rules are set in stone and have never been left to fade away, however not mentioning them is as my gf would say, “Set it and forget it” erodes their importance. He used to text, ” I want to know what you had to eat for lunch” or ” Five minutes and you better be in bed”. Just small indications that these rules are still there. Just as my gf’s husband tells her to to behave when he is gone and complete what he has laid out for her in a manner he expects. These really aren’t huge time consuming things, but little teaspoons.
Reed finally began to see where things had gone wrong and what my bailing analogy meant. To him it means so many teaspoons in a day ( right now) so it fills a bucket to attempt to get this boat afloat again. The clock indicated I was late for lunch, so we moved into the kitchen. I was frustrated ( a word clearly I use a lot) as Reed changed the topic to mundane things. Apparently my frustration was written all over my face. He assured me he wasn’t done our discussion, but needed some time ( please say that then).
” Upstairs now. …strip, face the wall”. He inspected with a yard stick. I was to keep my eyes on his the entire time. Occasionally the yard stick would strike. I was then positioned on all fours, plugged with this large glass plug ( not a fan). Anal sex is one thing as there is a stimulus there before hand usually, but a large glass plug cold turkey I wouldn’t thank you for. After that I was lubed and used. Did that do anything for me? Meh. When he was done bruising my cervix, I mean having his way, he positioned me back on all fours and spoke.
” That may have not done anything for you. I know sometimes taking only serves me, and I am fine with that. I can accept that you didn’t enjoy it this time because I did. That may sound selfish, but it was intentional. These scenarios feed my dominance in many ways because you willingly submit to my needs regardless of if it does much for you”.
He then asked me about my preference with removing the plug. When he first started using them I begged him to let me take them out. For a while there he would take them out himself, which I found very embarrassing, though he never once made a comment to make me feel embarrassed. Odd really because obviously when we have anal sex he pulls out on his own, so why does the plug make me cringe more? Anyway after a long bit of silence he told me I could leave and take it out myself.
Later in the day he told me my time and my tasks will be getting more restrictive and specific in the next few days. I suppose we will see. Am I hopeful? He seemed a tad different today in his demeanor. Not quite his old self, but he was certainly more receptive in our discussion.
I am unsure if the bailing of this boat will continue in a pace that is effective for both of us, but at least we stopped watching the water rush in and he devised a skeleton plan for the bailing process.
Initially I was going to call this post Adrift, but it seemed a tad dramatic- yet probably accurate. Life as a whole isn’t bad, (knock on wood). I have managed to keep myself extremely preoccupied with somewhat meaningless tasks for others. I doubt most find them meaningless, but they aren’t crucial. They are more like make work projects. I can probably keep myself busy until Thankgiving if I choose to, but for the wrong reasons.
That being said, as far as D/s goes life is meh. Some of this is due to my preoccupation and the busyness of another school year on the horizon. Reed has been dipping his toe in and out of the D/s pool for a bit- dipping in comparison to where we were, it hasn’t ever truly gone away. Or maybe I should say the Dd aspect hasn’t truly gone away.
Years ago when we started this, I would rise to the occasion of whatever it was he asked for. Yes, asked for,now he demands ( sounds so D/s novella doesn’t it?). Often I would surpass his instructions and expectations. Now? Well now after what seemed like countless ‘missteps’ on his part, I often think why bother? Gone are the days where I felt the need to build up his dominance. Though to be fair, he said he no longer requires that of me. Hmm? How did this happen?
I can give you an example of his ‘missteps’ Not long ago he informed me I was NOT to be on the computer until we were back on track in a way that was felt by both of us. Naturally, being the good subbie I was, I stayed off. A few days later he told me to research something for him, which required the computer. Alright, that was clear. I only did my given computer task and then resumed my banning of the computer until further notice. Two weeks later he asked me if I had talked to anyone in Messanger. I looked at him bewildered, perhaps he was trying to trap me? ” Why would I have talked to anyone in messanger? I am not supposed to be on the computer you said”. He had completely forgotten. I had been ‘submitting’ to something- yet is it really submitting if the person who requires that of you no longer remembers? that I wasn’t required to. To say I was upset is a grand understatement. I wasn’t upset so much about lost time on the computer. My upset came because I felt like I was living in some ‘fantasy’ world. I was submitting to a submissive exercise that was only remembered by the submissive.
These type of things happen a lot around here,or appear to as of late. Now they impact me far greater than they used to in the past. In the past I would dust myself off and focus more on the big picture. Back when things were ‘better’ Reed talked to me about venturing into a TPE. He’s mentioned it many times over the years actually. Months later I question where that went. I know he needs to feel things in a positive light to move on, yet when things are very positive he stops because he is afraid of screwing up. I wish he’d get out of his damn head and just live what he feels. He still, after all these years questions his feelings and how wrong they are.
To be fair though, his feelings and thoughts have taken a different turn since starting. It is far more than just jumping the hurdle of ‘it isn’t right to spank my wife’. That one he never seemed to have much of an issue with,more just the context of what he did it for.
Now that he has discovered he’s a budding ‘sadist’ he questions other things. What I have noticed-he appears to disguise his sadist need as fault on my part to punish. That isn’t to say I don’t deserve to be punished.
The other day I was to do something every hour and then text him at the top of that hour to say I had completed it. No exceptions, no ‘free minutes’. ON THE :00. Sadly I failed miserably, as I was also doing some tasks with a family member. He informed me I would be punished upon his return. A few days prior he talked about marking me for days with a punishment- the punishment happened but the marking did not ( I rarely mark now as he’s been wailing away for years and unless he uses certain implements it doesn’t happen…he didn’t). He was upset with himself for choosing the wrong implement. So here was his opportunity to try again. Only it made no sense to me. It was a submissive exercise so why beat the sh*t of of me for failing a texting exercise. In the past he has taken away my phone because if I can’t text him, I am not using it for it is intended purpose. Another time he made me do it MORE often- every 30 minutes and a gave me a physical reminder. I am not saying I get to choose my punishments, but this time it seemed like he set me up so he could mark me like he wanted to. Sure I could have passed and it wouldn’t have been an issue, but my point to him was, ” Why don’t you just say, I want to mark you…for me” ? Instead he intended to beat me with the same intensity as telling him to go to hell…or eating a cookie ( no change in intensity regardless of the ‘crime’ sort of boggles my mind). The beating didn’t take place. Perhaps it should have but then again who knows where we’d be currently if he did.
Reed has this annoying habit of telling me how I feel. Let the record state, I HATE THIS! He’s a guy, I’m a girl, you men rarely get our emotions right. Let’s just put that out there now. Ask don’t assume. Tell me I am projecting something outwardly to you, but don’t state it in black and white! Yesterday set the tone for the cluster f*ck that it became, because of informing me I was mad at the world. NOPE, not the world…just YOU :). I was curt in the store with him. He was furious. Fair enough, but it went down hill from there. His anger got the better of him and he said something ( unprovoked in my opinion) he shouldn’t have that had us plummet way below the ” you were disrespectful’ line. I was furious. I owned up to not expressing myself in a respectful way, even if I felt provoked but also was not going to be disrespected by his words either. To make this long story short he told me to bend over when I got home. OH I DON”T THINK SO> Yup? Nice submissive right? I signed up for inequality, in our dynamic. I will not swear even if he does. I will not just pour myself a drink, even if he can….etc.. etc… but I will NOT BE DISRESPECTED. The inequality ends with respect. To his credit he understood.
Later he plugged me as a reminder of his presence while he was at work. He gave me a task to do ( that I told him I was doing that evening anyway so ‘gave’ isn’t really accurate) and informed me to remove the plug at a certain time and text him. With that he left for work. With that I removed the plug. Not right I am aware. My ‘justification’? I don’t have one. I didn’t want a reminder of him. I had to deal with a potentially unsavory character most of the night and I didn’t want to feel vulnernable.
This brings up my title now ( I know..lol). What the hell is wrong with me. I have a deep need for this dynamic. Before I excelled at it whether he was all in or not. Now, now I just can’t seem to let myself live it with the intent required. My first instinct is to say I can’t live an authentic life in this dynamic if my husband isn’t willing to live one also, but that sounds weak. He tries but I feel there has been so much water under this bridge for the last 2 years ( we’ve been at this far longer than 2 years) that neither of us are committing to it the way we should ( he has lacked by his own admission in this area for a long time). Last summer I finally said to him, I am not strong enough anymore to carry this relationship alone. I need your help ( relationship and dynamic). This spring I said to him, ” I need you to prove to me this matters with your actions not just your words or punishments after the fact”. Both times he said he understood. He has even gone on to say that he ‘abused my submission’ in the past, taking without providing, enjoying the benefits, without reciprocation.
There have been plenty of D/s interactions over the past few years. Many hit the mark right on, but without ‘blowing oxygen into the smoldering fire’ as someone once said, the heat can’t turn into a raging fire. There is no continuity. Consistency is one thing, but continuity is another. You can lay out as many dots as you want, but you have to connect them to get the big picture.
I seem to have blocked off that part of me that wants to allow this to evolve again. Though in all fairness, I feel that even though it takes two to tango, I have been left to draw the line between the dots myself, and even when I do that, Reed is unwilling to see the big picture. Or at the very least communicate that he does.
Thanks for reading – if you go to this point (lol) my long ramble. I realize it sounds like a lot of finger pointing, and perhaps it is. But he can write his own blog to vent if he wants. LOL. All joking aside, I really just miss feeling like myself. I miss the contentment of living who I am. I really need to find away back.
Reed and I have been ‘at this’ for a long time, though I suppose that is a relative statement. Let’s just say more then 5 years, less then 10 if you need a calendar timeline. An emotional timeline is far more difficult. I’d say some days it seems like forever, and other days it seems like we are still wet behind the ears.
Only, we are not wet behind the ears, those days seem to have been easier in comparison to now. The first few years were a real eye opener personally. There was a great deal of inner growth, realizations of why I hid, or didn’t recognize who I was. Revelations flew at me at a rapid pace back then. Things were and still are a bit slower in that department for Reed. Perhaps it is a male/female difference, or perhaps it is the fact that I had time to prepare for my outing and his every move has been scrutinized since day one, thus leaving him very little time for self discovery because his concentration has been on leading. But, I digress…..
I have come to realize many of us are in similar situations with our dynamic.. The longer we live this life, the more we come to rely on our significant other to provide what we expect from them, based on our history within this dynamic. This isn’t to say we shirk all our responsibilities. Self improvement, and drive still has to exist, for both parties, but at least for myself the expectation is so much greater now for him to be proactive, to maintain, to alter the course.
The satisfaction of shooting for the moon and landing on a star seems to diminish when you have landed and walked on the moon. I don’t believe this means those of us who feel this way are all ungrateful or demanding, it merely means our expectations have grown due our life experiences with this. Once upon a time many might have read about others and wished/hoped/desired for a life like that. After experiencing it, whether in pockets or constantly, longings change from what others have to what we had, (even if the time has only been a week or so at a time) when we struggle. Once awakened to a better relationship, or perhaps just a deeper connection in an already good relationship, speaking from a female subs point of view anyway, you can’t unfeel that. Gone is the hoping we could be that some day – changed to knowing we have been that. And quite frankly for me it is like an intoxicating drug. The freedom found in living such an unguarded existence is too incredible for me to accurately express in words.
So, where do Reed and I find ourselves currently? Hoping the cloud cover will blow past so we can even SEE the moon to shoot for. Sometimes the upheaval of schedules due to summer vacation is to blame – but our expectations are that we have lived this life for so long, that should not happen. Now we find ourselves in a spot where the reason for this endless loop ( it has been a few months now) is more important than where we are. There are still stand alone instances of D/s but it doesn’t feel like it is an undercurrent running through our relationship at the moment.
HOW did this happen is the burning question. There were no outward distractions, greater than normal anyway. There was no illness, or life getting in the way. It appears it was just US. Pressures, and expectations….one feeling they need to rely on a person for something they feel they are refusing to deliver upon in a meaningful way….the other feeling fearful for reasons the first does not comprehend.
Communication they say is key. We communicate so differently now then we did 2 years ago, and completely differently then we did when we began. The depth of communication, and yes expectations from communication has changed. Both of us expect more and instantaneous results from our conversations. Sadly that doesn’t always happen. Some days it feels like there is little point to conversing, afterall haven’t we both said the same things a hundred times before? Reed’s answer to that statement, ” Then we shall say them 101 times”.
It has been my experience that this dynamic doesn’t get easier as we cross off days on the calendar. The struggles or the reasons behind the challenges on the surface appear to be similar to ones we started out with in the first few years , and to a degree they are. What is different is knowing; knowing you can live, feel, experience a different degree of life with your significant other. There is a longing to reach back into the past and relive that time. There is a confusion on how on earth you stumbled AGAIN. It is so much more than merely opening Pandora’s Box. There is a part of your soul that has been touched so deeply you cannot deny its existence. You hold the key to that, but you need the other person to turn it; to unlock the final piece. And the thing about this dynamic which many don’t realize, you need them to unlock it over and over again.
For some that may mean every day. For others once a week, or month. I believe our personal histories before our relationships and within the context of the dynamic plays a pivotal role in how often we find our lock needs to be opened. I know personally I do far better if Reed props the ‘door open’ but honestly often he has to pull me through it in order for me to feel it is okay to be there. Once there I am generally good for staying put…until I am not.
Lately I have felt as if I have been pounding from the inside of a vault and the other side can’t make out the sound. I just want to get back to the track we were on. It wasn’t ever perfect, but it was heading in a direction of great promise. When we are where we find ourselves now I begin to question whether what happened was real, or if I read too much into it, to make it what I needed it to be.
I suspect we will be fine, we always end up having another pocket of connection. I just grow weary of all of the time clinging to the memories of our past and waiting for them to be our present again.
It would appear my great attempt at blogging here has fizzled again. I tend to do more reading now than writing. Not sure when I’ll be back. It could be tomorrow or never. Regardless I thought I’d leave you with a few places I read that you may never have heard of. Stop by, you never know….you might gain a new perspective, a new friend or a new place to procrastinate. TTFN!
https://limitsunleashed.com/archives/ ( so many talking/thinking points found in many of his essays)
https://sccwriting.tumblr.com/ ( go through the archives)
https://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.com ( long time Dd/D/s er )
https://livingalovinglife6267.blogspot.com ( newer to the Dd portion but not the D/s bedroom part)
http://www.mollena.com/2018/12/you-never-can-tell/ ( I could listen to her talk in her videos all day)