I am going to take a different turn here today because I think my pondering/rambling and maybe even pontificating in this post might help me get back to me a bit.
I was talking the other day to a few girl friends. One mentioned something she heard, ( not sure the source, not sure the entire context of the conversation but this little snippet prompted me to write about it. I have no clue what the person who said it or a portion of it meant as none of us were there when it was said). Basically the quote was,
” D/s is play and Dd is real”
Huh. First off I should say, I don’t subscribe to any hierarchy when it comes to dynamics. For some being taken in hand is far more difficult than others who are slaves. It is all subjective. In my opinion it is all based on the individuals within those dynamics. The reason I do have an issue with this is primarily the judgmental aspect to the statement. If I were to examine it through my lens ( which I am totally going to do LOL) I’d say this individual hasn’t lived a D/s dynamic. Perhaps they have played at BDSM or are confusing the two? But for today I am going to dissect how with my life experience thus far this quote couldn’t be further from the truth.
We came at this dynamic via Dd. Or so we thought, not about to go into how Dd is actually a form of D/s, that is a topic for another day. Based on this quote above I am going to leave that fact out and delve into how our lives began to change when we opened up our minds to the D/s concept.
( I don’t want to waste time constantly adding disclaimers here….or lengthen the post as I am already a wordy woman. I will be writing via our view point so if I say he or she please do not think I am excluding male subs or female Doms. The post will most like sound preachy, and again only our point of view from experience so please don’t feel insulted or talked down to, if it appears I am doing that)
OKAY so FOR US….. lol
Dd now seems a bit lazy, in comparison to where we are now. I know it takes a lot of hard work for many, but for us it was a great stepping stone to this other life. Yes Dd is still part of our dynamic, but as a foundation to build upon. I say lazy because really my Hoh reacted to my actions. He set the rules, I was to follow ( oh see D/s…lol) but if I didn’t he was to take action. With D/s he sets the rules, I am to follow, that hasn’t changed, but the rules or expectations grow. There is also not the thought of ‘getting caught’ if a rule is broken. My bum doesn’t tingle or anything else for that matter if I break a rule and am going to be punished. It is a huge deal that can take its toll on our relationship in ways it didn’t during Dd. Breaking a rule is breaking a promise. What else has changed is the fact that expectations are there to keep me or him in our mindset, and our roles as well. There are exercises in submission to help cultivate my need. These help me grow, bring down walls, etc.
I think many people believe D/s is all about kink ( confession I did when we started Dd), and for some it most certainly is. For us the kink is fun( at least for ONE of us), it brings us closer, but it also serves a purpose- cultivation. The thing for us is, the kink aspect while it plays a key part, isn’t the entire picture.
In fact it is submitting to very vanilla things that has me at my most submissive. Without the D/s in vanilla activities, the kink stuff falls very short. I can feel extremely detached regardless of what is going on sexually to me if my submissive mindset is on pause.
So what kind of vanilla? Well I am and always have been a stay at home wife. My responsibility is our home. Reed has to work later, and has instructed me to iron a shirt for him ( even though there are a few ready to go in his closet already). I have to do this at a specific time, no where near the time he is going to go to work). It isn’t a huge deal right? Except to me this makes no sense. I can iron 10 shirts all at once, because the ironing board will be out, but that isn’t going to happen. ONE SHIRT, at this time. Why? Because he said so. Do I want to? NOPE. Will I get all melty because I did? Probably not. Will I do it ? Of course. Will I have nipple clamps on, and a plug in*- probably not this time, but who knows? Does this bring us closer? Not really, BUT it helps the dynamic. * side note, I had to stop writing to iron his ONE shirt, no nipple clamps or butt plug- and I’m not disappointed. LOL
Of course I would have ironed more shirts for him today, but this is his agenda. I don’t control the situation by doing more ironing because it makes more sense- something I would have done Dd days. I submit. I submit to the spirit of the direction. I submit to making appointments on his demand/request. I stay off of the computer, or phone, or ask to call someone. I eat when I am told to, drink or don’t drink when I am supposed to. I am not to ask for alcohol at home with him, but I can text him if someone offers me a drink. The list goes on and on. All of these little things, vanilla in nature to the outside eye, well maybe not because I have to ask, but they aren’t sexual, maintain or build upon our dynamic. They serve a purpose.
When first starting our Dd relationship, there was no maintaining anything. It (as once said somewhere) was Set it and Forget it. He set the rules, I followed, and it was not really brought up again unless I broke them. Of course we had resets, ( oh look D/s) when I started to drift away or get curt, but for the most part as long as the 5 D’s he set out where followed we went about our merry way….until I needed more ( another story for another day). Dd as we lived it opened a portal to a more D/s structured lifestyle- which ultimately became just life.
D/s became the electricity that ran through our relationship and kept it moving. I don’t mean just sparks, I mean it became the thing that kept us both alive. To us it isn’t a game, though when deep connection is lost, or one partner seems to pause, it can most certainly feel game-like, but trust me games don’t hurt emotionally like this. Games don’t reach down and touch your soul allowing you to live your true life.
We don’t have rituals or protocol ( currently in our lives God only knows what the future will bring). I am not certain from where we stand now, that is truly us. I know for many it works wonders, for us it currently would feel forced. Living this dynamic though, I have learned to say ‘never say never’.
I became *a* submissive through D/s. Prior to that I submitted. Perhaps for those who haven’t gone through that metamorphosis, there is no distinction. Perhaps for those who have always been *a* submissive, they also can not relate. I can only describe what I believed happened to me.
Perhaps those of us who live a D/s lifestyle should feel insulted by the comment. I don’t. I think the media, tumblr et al promote an idea of something. If one doesn’t delve deeper and only reads the ‘tweet’ they can formulate an opinion based on appearance alone. If one has played and that is their D/s, that is their D/s. I can’t argue that point. That is their experience and I cannot nor should I try to convince them otherwise. That just isn’t our experience
D/s is difficult. At least it is for me at times. The things I am about to say, can no doubt be found in Dd and vanilla relationships. Some of them existed in our vanilla marriage for years, yet they didn’t bring the same satisfaction, and connection they do now within the context of our dynamic. I anticipate more now, and what has changed is it is expected of me. I have to think what he would like and how to achieve that. All these little exercises given or taken put him first in my mind, despite what I want. That doesn’t mean I sacrifice my identity, or push aside all I need- but it can mean pushing aside what I want or when my needs are met, for a greater good. This also doesn’t mean, in our relationship, he sits on his throne and commands orders that serve him only—all the time. He sacrifices a lot- especially time, to cultivate our life. The life we need. The letting go of control only happens if he creates situations that control has to be relinquished, no matter how small. With Dd, I just had to fall in line and give up control when it came to punishments, or decision making on a larger scale. These decisions that came our way, the universe presented. With D/s he creates opportunities to submit to his control, and yes often that does include sexually.
In our dynamic, even when he can’t see me, actually especially when he can’t see me I am to be his submissive in order to thrive. Some things seem small and ridiculous, perhaps game-like to others;
I generally get up hours before Reed ( unless it was today when I was told I had to stay in bed until 7 am. I usually wake between 5 and 6, and am a morning person so laying there doing nothing was torture. At 7 he told me I could go down at 7:30 to make coffee….URGH!) I have my coffee long before him. My ‘ritual’ for myself is to brew my coffee then before even taking a sip set everything up for his coffee- even if it will to be hours later before he gets up. Does he know this? I have no clue. BUT it does something for me to know I am ready for him at any time. He will often expect me in a dress of some sort. Though he doesn’t say I have to wear one, unless he does. I could technically change the moment he walks out the door. He’d never know. If I have put on a dress because that is what I chose that day as it is his preference, I technically could change into sweats and not be disobedient at all….but I don’t. I want to remain the visual he left until it is time for bed. I have no rules or expectations on how to do my hair or make up, but I do what he likes, because I am a) his wife but moreover b) because he likes it and I am his submissive. Do I want to deal with this curly/frizzy mess when it is a thousand degrees out and put mascara on when my eyelids are sweating? HELL NO! But I take pride in doing so because it is how he likes things. If he gives me a list of chores, often there isn’t a time constraint, but sometimes there is. If there isn’t I still do what he wants done first. I don’t do this because I might run out of time, though that could happen. I do it because I want his wants done first. Granted there is also a benefit of letting go of the nagging feeling that I haven’t done what he wants when I do his stuff first, but that isn’t the primary reason.
Last example- this post. I am in a bit of a ‘(censored) you!’ mode today. Probably hormones, but regardless it is there. I decided to reflect on things to see if I could crack the armour just a tiny bit. But now I have to go wipe out the fridge. The King ( 😉 ) has a headache and is in bed. He texted me he wants it completed within the next 45 minutes. I could probably do it in less time up to snuff for him, but that isn’t the spirit of the exercise. If it isn’t the best I can make it, and yes something as simple as wiping out a fridge to the highest standard (not his but higher) is part of it.
I don’t expect others to understand how my mind works and how my heart follows because of our D/s dynamic. That really wasn’t the point. I would hope that even if one doesn’t understand what makes this particular submissive tick the vernacular used to define someone else’s dynamic or life would be open ended, and less close minded. A girl can dream. I mean what else does she have to do with her head stuck in a fridge wiping out mystery gelatinous crap off of the shelves?
Thanks for being my therapy session!