What the H*ll is Wrong With Me?

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Initially I was going to call this post Adrift, but it seemed a tad dramatic- yet probably accurate.  Life as a whole isn’t bad, (knock on wood).  I have managed to keep myself extremely preoccupied with somewhat meaningless tasks for others.  I doubt most find them meaningless, but they aren’t crucial.  They are more like make work projects.  I can probably keep myself busy until Thankgiving if I choose to, but for the wrong reasons.

That being said, as far as D/s goes life is meh.  Some of this is due to my preoccupation and the busyness of another school year on the horizon.  Reed has been dipping his toe in and out of the D/s pool for a bit- dipping in comparison to where we were, it hasn’t ever truly gone away.  Or maybe I should say the Dd aspect hasn’t truly gone away.

Years ago when we started this, I would rise to the occasion of whatever it was he asked for.  Yes, asked for,now he demands ( sounds so D/s novella doesn’t it?).  Often I would surpass his instructions and expectations.  Now?  Well now after what seemed like countless ‘missteps’ on his part, I often think why bother?  Gone are the days where I felt the need to build up his dominance. Though to be fair, he said he no longer requires that of me.  Hmm?  How did this happen?

I can give you an example of his ‘missteps’  Not long ago he informed me I was NOT to be on the computer until we were back on track in a way that was felt by both of us.  Naturally, being the good subbie I was, I stayed off.  A few days later he told me to research something for him, which required the computer.  Alright, that was clear.  I only did my given computer task and then resumed my banning of the computer until further notice.  Two weeks later he asked me if I had talked to anyone in Messanger.  I looked at him bewildered, perhaps he was trying to trap me? ” Why would I have talked to anyone in messanger?  I am not supposed to be on the computer you said”.  He had completely forgotten.  I had been ‘submitting’ to something- yet is it really submitting if the person who requires that of you no longer remembers? that I wasn’t required to.   To say I was upset is a grand understatement.  I wasn’t upset so much about lost time on the computer. My upset came because I felt like I was living in some ‘fantasy’ world.   I was submitting to a submissive exercise that was only remembered by the submissive.

These type of things happen a lot around here,or appear to as of late. Now they impact me far greater than they used to in the past.  In the past I would dust myself off and focus more on the big picture.  Back when things were ‘better’ Reed talked to me about venturing into a TPE.  He’s mentioned it many times over the years actually.  Months later I question where that went.  I know he needs to feel things in a positive light to move on, yet when things are very positive he stops because he is afraid of screwing up.  I wish he’d get out of his damn head and just live what he feels.  He still, after all these years questions his feelings and how wrong they are.

To be fair though, his feelings and thoughts have taken a different turn since starting.  It is far more than just jumping the hurdle of ‘it isn’t right to spank my wife’.  That one he never seemed to have much of an issue with,more just the context of what he did it for.

Now that he has discovered he’s a budding ‘sadist’ he questions other things. What I have noticed-he appears to disguise his sadist need as fault on my part to punish.  That isn’t to say I don’t deserve to be punished.

The other day I was to do something every hour and then text him at the top of that hour to say I had completed it.  No exceptions, no ‘free minutes’.  ON THE :00.  Sadly I failed miserably, as I was also doing some tasks with a family member.  He informed me I would be punished upon his return.  A few days prior he talked about marking me for days with a punishment- the punishment happened but the marking did not ( I rarely mark now as he’s been wailing away for years and unless he uses certain implements it doesn’t happen…he didn’t).  He was upset with himself for choosing the wrong implement.  So here was his opportunity to try again.  Only it made no sense to me.  It was a submissive exercise so why beat the sh*t of of me for failing a texting exercise.  In the past he has taken away my phone because if I can’t text him, I am not using it for it is intended purpose.  Another time he made me do it MORE often- every 30 minutes and a gave me a physical reminder.  I am not saying I get to choose my punishments, but this time it seemed like he set me up so he could mark me like he wanted to.  Sure I could have passed and it wouldn’t have been an issue, but my point to him was, ” Why don’t you just say, I want to mark you…for me” ? Instead he intended to beat me with the same intensity as telling him to go to hell…or eating a cookie ( no change in intensity  regardless of the ‘crime’ sort of boggles my mind). The beating didn’t take place.  Perhaps it should have but then again who knows where we’d be currently if he did.

Reed has this annoying habit of telling me how I feel.  Let the record state, I HATE THIS! He’s a guy, I’m a girl, you men rarely get our emotions right.  Let’s just put that out there now. Ask don’t assume. Tell me I am projecting something outwardly to you, but don’t state it in black and white! Yesterday set the tone for the cluster f*ck that it became, because of informing me I was mad at the world.  NOPE, not the world…just YOU :).  I was curt in the store with him.  He was furious.  Fair enough, but it went down hill from there. His anger got the better of him and he said something ( unprovoked in my opinion) he shouldn’t have that had us plummet way below the ” you were disrespectful’ line.  I was furious.  I owned up to not expressing myself in a respectful way, even if I felt provoked but also was not going to be disrespected by his words either.  To make this long story short he told me to bend over when I got home.  OH I DON”T THINK SO>  Yup?  Nice submissive right?  I signed up for inequality, in our dynamic.  I will not swear even if he does.  I will not just pour myself a drink, even if he can….etc.. etc… but I will NOT BE DISRESPECTED.  The inequality ends with respect.  To his credit he understood.

Later he plugged me as a reminder of his presence while he was at work.  He gave me a task to do ( that I told him I was doing that evening anyway so ‘gave’ isn’t really accurate) and informed me to remove the plug at a certain time and text him.  With that he left for work.  With that I removed the plug.  Not right I am aware.  My ‘justification’?  I don’t have one.  I didn’t want a reminder of him.  I had to deal with a potentially unsavory character most of the night and I didn’t want to feel vulnernable.

This brings up my title now ( I know..lol).  What the hell is wrong with me.  I have a deep need for this dynamic.  Before I excelled at it whether he was all in or not.  Now, now I just can’t seem to let myself live it with the intent required.  My first instinct is to say I can’t live an authentic life in this dynamic if my husband isn’t willing to live one also, but that sounds weak.  He tries but I feel there has been so much water under this bridge for the last 2 years ( we’ve been at this far longer than 2 years)  that neither of us are committing to it the way we should ( he has lacked by his own admission in this area for a long time).  Last summer I finally said to him, I am not strong enough anymore to carry this relationship alone.  I need your help ( relationship and dynamic).  This spring I said to him, ” I need you to prove to me this matters with your actions not just your words or punishments after the fact”.  Both times he said he understood.  He has even gone on to say that he ‘abused my submission’ in the past, taking without providing, enjoying the benefits, without reciprocation.

There have been plenty of D/s interactions over the past few years.   Many hit the mark right on, but without ‘blowing oxygen into the smoldering fire’ as someone once said, the heat can’t turn into a raging fire.  There is no continuity.  Consistency is one thing, but continuity is another.  You can lay out as many dots as you want, but you have to connect them to get the big picture.

I seem to have blocked off that part of me that wants to allow this to evolve again.  Though in all fairness, I feel that even though it takes two to tango, I have been left to draw the line between the dots myself, and even when I do that, Reed is unwilling to see the big picture.  Or at the very least communicate that he does.

 

Thanks for reading – if you go to this point (lol) my long ramble.  I realize it sounds like a lot of finger pointing, and perhaps it is.  But he can write his own blog to vent if he wants.  LOL.  All joking aside, I really just miss feeling like myself.  I miss the contentment of living who I am.  I really need to find away back.

Evelyn

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Where can I find a girl like that

YES! To all of this….just yes ( reblog)

To continue from yesterday on the topic of genuine in our lifestyle and my interpretation.

It is rare that I present my dynamic in any public setting. she is not on a blog because she and I decided that at this point her headspace is well communicated and she doesn’t wish at this point to spend time otherwise dedicated to us to a blog. That said I have received questions before from people who do know her and us and recently from potential Dominants wanting tips and advice. Usually it goes something like this:

“I think I might be a Dom but don’t know how to get started. I’ve seen or heard about you (I have presences otherwise in the scene online and to a very small extent publicly) with your submissive and  that’s exactly the type of girl I want – how did you train her to be that…

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Struggles Seem To Sting More With Experience

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Reed and I have been ‘at this’ for a long time, though I suppose that is a relative statement.  Let’s just say more then 5 years, less then 10 if you need a calendar timeline. An emotional timeline is far more difficult.  I’d say some days it seems like forever, and other days it seems like we are still wet behind the ears.

Only, we are not wet behind the ears, those days seem to have been easier in comparison to now.  The first few years were a real eye opener personally.  There was a great deal of inner growth, realizations of why I hid, or didn’t recognize who I was.  Revelations flew at me at a rapid pace back then.  Things were and still are a bit slower in that department for Reed.  Perhaps it is a male/female difference, or perhaps it is the fact that I had time to prepare for my outing and his every move has been scrutinized since day one, thus leaving him very little time for self discovery because his concentration has been on leading.  But, I digress…..

 I have come to realize many of us are in similar situations with our dynamic..  The longer we live this life, the more we come to rely on our significant other to provide what we expect from them, based on our history within this dynamic.  This isn’t to say we shirk all our responsibilities.   Self improvement, and drive still has to exist, for both parties, but at least for myself the expectation is so much greater now for him to be proactive, to maintain, to alter the course.  

The satisfaction of shooting for the moon and landing on a star seems to diminish when you have landed and walked on the moon.  I don’t believe this means those of us who feel this way are all ungrateful or demanding, it merely means our expectations have grown due our life experiences with this.  Once upon a time many  might have read about others and wished/hoped/desired for a life  like that.  After experiencing it, whether in pockets or constantly, longings change from what others have to what we had, (even if the time has only been a week or so at a time) when we struggle.  Once awakened to a better relationship, or perhaps just a deeper connection in an already good relationship, speaking from a female subs point of view anyway, you can’t unfeel that. Gone is the hoping we could be that some day – changed to knowing we have been that. And quite frankly for me it is like an intoxicating drug.  The freedom found in living such an unguarded existence is too incredible for me to accurately express in words.

So, where do Reed and I find ourselves currently? Hoping the cloud cover will blow past so we can even SEE the moon to shoot for.  Sometimes the upheaval of schedules due to summer vacation is to blame – but our expectations are that we have lived this life for so long, that should not happen.  Now we find ourselves in a spot where the reason  for this endless loop ( it has been a few months now) is more important than where we are.  There are still stand alone instances of D/s but it doesn’t feel like it is an undercurrent running through our relationship at the moment.

HOW did this happen is  the burning question.  There were no outward distractions, greater than normal anyway.  There was no illness, or life getting in the way.  It appears it was just US.  Pressures,  and  expectations….one feeling they need to rely on a person for something they feel they are refusing to deliver upon in a meaningful way….the other feeling fearful for reasons the first does not comprehend. 

Communication they say is key.  We communicate so differently now then we did 2 years ago, and completely differently then we did when we began. The depth of communication, and yes expectations from communication has changed.  Both of us  expect more and instantaneous results from our conversations.  Sadly that doesn’t always happen. Some days it feels like there is little point to conversing, afterall haven’t we both said the same things a hundred times before?  Reed’s answer to that statement, ” Then we shall say them 101 times”.

It has been my experience that this dynamic doesn’t get easier as we cross off days on the calendar.  The struggles or the reasons behind the challenges  on the surface appear to be similar to ones we started out with in the first few years , and to a degree they are.  What is different is knowing; knowing you can live, feel, experience a different degree of life with your significant other.  There is a longing to reach back into the past and relive that time.  There is a confusion on how on earth you stumbled AGAIN.  It is so much more than merely opening Pandora’s Box. There is a part of your soul that has been touched so deeply you cannot deny its existence.  You hold the key to that, but you need the other person to turn it; to unlock the final piece.  And the thing about this dynamic which many don’t realize, you need them to unlock it over and over again.

For some that may mean every day.  For others once a week, or month.  I believe our personal histories before our relationships and within the context of the dynamic plays a pivotal role in how often we find our lock needs to be opened.  I know personally I do far better if Reed props the ‘door open’ but honestly often he has to pull me through it in order for me to feel it is okay to be there. Once there I am generally good for staying put…until I am not.

Lately I have felt as if I have been pounding from the inside of a vault and the other side can’t make out the sound. I just want to get back to the track we  were on.  It wasn’t ever perfect, but it was heading in a direction of great promise.  When we are where we find ourselves now I begin to question whether what happened was real, or if I read too much into it, to make it what I needed it to be.

I suspect we will be fine, we always end up having another pocket of connection.  I just grow weary of all of the time clinging to the memories of our past and waiting for them to be our present again.