What the H*ll is Wrong With Me?

Initially I was going to call this post Adrift, but it seemed a tad dramatic- yet probably accurate.  Life as a whole isn’t bad, (knock on wood).  I have managed to keep myself extremely preoccupied with somewhat meaningless tasks for others.  I doubt most find them meaningless, but they aren’t crucial.  They are more like make work projects.  I can probably keep myself busy until Thankgiving if I choose to, but for the wrong reasons.

That being said, as far as D/s goes life is meh.  Some of this is due to my preoccupation and the busyness of another school year on the horizon.  Reed has been dipping his toe in and out of the D/s pool for a bit- dipping in comparison to where we were, it hasn’t ever truly gone away.  Or maybe I should say the Dd aspect hasn’t truly gone away.

Years ago when we started this, I would rise to the occasion of whatever it was he asked for.  Yes, asked for,now he demands ( sounds so D/s novella doesn’t it?).  Often I would surpass his instructions and expectations.  Now?  Well now after what seemed like countless ‘missteps’ on his part, I often think why bother?  Gone are the days where I felt the need to build up his dominance. Though to be fair, he said he no longer requires that of me.  Hmm?  How did this happen?

I can give you an example of his ‘missteps’  Not long ago he informed me I was NOT to be on the computer until we were back on track in a way that was felt by both of us.  Naturally, being the good subbie I was, I stayed off.  A few days later he told me to research something for him, which required the computer.  Alright, that was clear.  I only did my given computer task and then resumed my banning of the computer until further notice.  Two weeks later he asked me if I had talked to anyone in Messanger.  I looked at him bewildered, perhaps he was trying to trap me? ” Why would I have talked to anyone in messanger?  I am not supposed to be on the computer you said”.  He had completely forgotten.  I had been ‘submitting’ to something- yet is it really submitting if the person who requires that of you no longer remembers? that I wasn’t required to.   To say I was upset is a grand understatement.  I wasn’t upset so much about lost time on the computer. My upset came because I felt like I was living in some ‘fantasy’ world.   I was submitting to a submissive exercise that was only remembered by the submissive.

These type of things happen a lot around here,or appear to as of late. Now they impact me far greater than they used to in the past.  In the past I would dust myself off and focus more on the big picture.  Back when things were ‘better’ Reed talked to me about venturing into a TPE.  He’s mentioned it many times over the years actually.  Months later I question where that went.  I know he needs to feel things in a positive light to move on, yet when things are very positive he stops because he is afraid of screwing up.  I wish he’d get out of his damn head and just live what he feels.  He still, after all these years questions his feelings and how wrong they are.

To be fair though, his feelings and thoughts have taken a different turn since starting.  It is far more than just jumping the hurdle of ‘it isn’t right to spank my wife’.  That one he never seemed to have much of an issue with,more just the context of what he did it for.

Now that he has discovered he’s a budding ‘sadist’ he questions other things. What I have noticed-he appears to disguise his sadist need as fault on my part to punish.  That isn’t to say I don’t deserve to be punished.

The other day I was to do something every hour and then text him at the top of that hour to say I had completed it.  No exceptions, no ‘free minutes’.  ON THE :00.  Sadly I failed miserably, as I was also doing some tasks with a family member.  He informed me I would be punished upon his return.  A few days prior he talked about marking me for days with a punishment- the punishment happened but the marking did not ( I rarely mark now as he’s been wailing away for years and unless he uses certain implements it doesn’t happen…he didn’t).  He was upset with himself for choosing the wrong implement.  So here was his opportunity to try again.  Only it made no sense to me.  It was a submissive exercise so why beat the sh*t of of me for failing a texting exercise.  In the past he has taken away my phone because if I can’t text him, I am not using it for it is intended purpose.  Another time he made me do it MORE often- every 30 minutes and a gave me a physical reminder.  I am not saying I get to choose my punishments, but this time it seemed like he set me up so he could mark me like he wanted to.  Sure I could have passed and it wouldn’t have been an issue, but my point to him was, ” Why don’t you just say, I want to mark you…for me” ? Instead he intended to beat me with the same intensity as telling him to go to hell…or eating a cookie ( no change in intensity  regardless of the ‘crime’ sort of boggles my mind). The beating didn’t take place.  Perhaps it should have but then again who knows where we’d be currently if he did.

Reed has this annoying habit of telling me how I feel.  Let the record state, I HATE THIS! He’s a guy, I’m a girl, you men rarely get our emotions right.  Let’s just put that out there now. Ask don’t assume. Tell me I am projecting something outwardly to you, but don’t state it in black and white! Yesterday set the tone for the cluster f*ck that it became, because of informing me I was mad at the world.  NOPE, not the world…just YOU :).  I was curt in the store with him.  He was furious.  Fair enough, but it went down hill from there. His anger got the better of him and he said something ( unprovoked in my opinion) he shouldn’t have that had us plummet way below the ” you were disrespectful’ line.  I was furious.  I owned up to not expressing myself in a respectful way, even if I felt provoked but also was not going to be disrespected by his words either.  To make this long story short he told me to bend over when I got home.  OH I DON”T THINK SO>  Yup?  Nice submissive right?  I signed up for inequality, in our dynamic.  I will not swear even if he does.  I will not just pour myself a drink, even if he can….etc.. etc… but I will NOT BE DISRESPECTED.  The inequality ends with respect.  To his credit he understood.

Later he plugged me as a reminder of his presence while he was at work.  He gave me a task to do ( that I told him I was doing that evening anyway so ‘gave’ isn’t really accurate) and informed me to remove the plug at a certain time and text him.  With that he left for work.  With that I removed the plug.  Not right I am aware.  My ‘justification’?  I don’t have one.  I didn’t want a reminder of him.  I had to deal with a potentially unsavory character most of the night and I didn’t want to feel vulnernable.

This brings up my title now ( I know..lol).  What the hell is wrong with me.  I have a deep need for this dynamic.  Before I excelled at it whether he was all in or not.  Now, now I just can’t seem to let myself live it with the intent required.  My first instinct is to say I can’t live an authentic life in this dynamic if my husband isn’t willing to live one also, but that sounds weak.  He tries but I feel there has been so much water under this bridge for the last 2 years ( we’ve been at this far longer than 2 years)  that neither of us are committing to it the way we should ( he has lacked by his own admission in this area for a long time).  Last summer I finally said to him, I am not strong enough anymore to carry this relationship alone.  I need your help ( relationship and dynamic).  This spring I said to him, ” I need you to prove to me this matters with your actions not just your words or punishments after the fact”.  Both times he said he understood.  He has even gone on to say that he ‘abused my submission’ in the past, taking without providing, enjoying the benefits, without reciprocation.

There have been plenty of D/s interactions over the past few years.   Many hit the mark right on, but without ‘blowing oxygen into the smoldering fire’ as someone once said, the heat can’t turn into a raging fire.  There is no continuity.  Consistency is one thing, but continuity is another.  You can lay out as many dots as you want, but you have to connect them to get the big picture.

I seem to have blocked off that part of me that wants to allow this to evolve again.  Though in all fairness, I feel that even though it takes two to tango, I have been left to draw the line between the dots myself, and even when I do that, Reed is unwilling to see the big picture.  Or at the very least communicate that he does.

 

Thanks for reading – if you go to this point (lol) my long ramble.  I realize it sounds like a lot of finger pointing, and perhaps it is.  But he can write his own blog to vent if he wants.  LOL.  All joking aside, I really just miss feeling like myself.  I miss the contentment of living who I am.  I really need to find away back.

Evelyn

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13 thoughts on “What the H*ll is Wrong With Me?

    • LOL. I am fairly certain you didn’t read my old blog. I took it down over 3 years ago. As for not many blog this far into ttwd, you’ve got me there. I stopped a long time ago for various reasons, but one was that I didn’t really have much to say. As a girl friend pointed out I could talk about spankings, beating, kinky stuff, but that wasn’t my intent when I originally started ( though I can’t say I had a clear view back then if I am honest). It wasn’t where I wanted that particular blog to go. Who knows where this one will. LOL

      Thanks Tora!

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  1. Hi thanks for coming over to my place and visiting! Wow this post. I must say tho, it sounds like you have a very clear idea of what your needs are and how they can be met. I’d say talk and talk and talk some more. But if one’s dom isnt “on the ball” then its really difficult to have d/s or dd or ttwd. Whatever u call it, it *does* take two. Email me if you wanna chat and vent or whatever 🙂

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    • Welcome Fondles.

      Yes I have a clear idea of what my needs are and how they can be met because Reed has provided those things for me. We have talked and talked and talked, it seems like he’s lost his ‘mojo’ . He starts up on the physical quite quickly but as I read on tumblr once, I need the meat and potatoes aspect of D/s. The mind has to be captured too. We are both struggling with that point. Though some days I feel like shouting, would you just get back to it already!!!!

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  2. There is so much i want to say to you. i suppose the most important part to know is that you are not the only one who becomes exhausted from the weight of the entire relationship on us-i’ve been there too. i think that no one wants to feel gaslighted, or a little crazy, and it certainly can feel like that when we are doing All The Things like we are told- only to find that we are the only person who is aware of that. Too much of that and it destroys trust. Too much of our insistence that they **Pay Attention** and it starts to make us wonder who the relationship is serving really.
    There is a delicate balance that is ideal. Certainly, it is also ideal that the relationship serve the needs of both Master and slave overall.
    Do you have an experienced slave to help Mentor you? Does he have access to an experienced Master to mentor him? Just a thought. ❤

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    • Thank you so much for this comment. I truly appreciate knowing that I am not alone experiencing this- though I often suspect I am not, hearing from others is a great benefit.

      To answer your question yes . We have friends who have been living a TPE for years, and they have been our friends for years as well. Even they are currently shaking their heads…LOL.

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      • i’m curious if Reed doesn’t feel that there is a lack of faith in him at this point. i’m also thinking that from my Master’s POV, having a TPE is far easier because she doesn’t have to factor in fairness (to me). She also tends to use the same punishment at a very high intensity because if i didn’t cheerfully obey, it doesn’t really matter much to her what i specifically did. So she isn’t going to have a codified system of how to punish. If you feel that is something you need, maybe having a contract spelling out punishments would help?

        Finally, if Reed is able to feel satisfaction or turned on from punishing you….can you sit with that feeling? Can you lean into it? It doesn’t mean he is necessarily looking for reasons to punish. It does mean he is far, far less likely to be lazy and just not bother to punish you. It does mean that you don’t have to feel guilty and neither does he, if you can accept this part of him. If he feels afraid….maybe that holds him back??
        i know everyone tells us to communicate, communicate, communicate. i know how old it gets hearing that. so i’m trying to offer some other thoughts, hopefully helpful ones. ❤

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  3. Hi again Jade
    Yes he does feel a lack of faith from me. We have discussed this at length many times and the reasons why. He does get tripped up mentally on fairness, but mostly when it comes to taking, or when he has contributed to the situation. Neither of which I personally have a problem with. Sometimes I feel his timing sucks with the taking ( ie we have been off and I have triggers that I have mostly worked through but if he takes when we are so disconnected it can send me to a place neither of us want me to be in). He has often talked about a TPE because of the rigidness of it and how it would actually help him- though I would hope it would be because he desired complete control. He has told me he finds it intoxicating owning another person. But honeslty I don’t feel owned. There are times when the path was leading us there, but that was a bit ago.

    I really do not want a list of punishments that state what will happen to me if I don’t comply. To me that would be routine, predictable and well I have to be frank if I can wrap my head around something pain wise anyway then I can dismiss it physically. Trust me this is not a habit I like. No the intensity for us tied into the infraction ( ie damaging our relationship vs ‘just’ our dynamic, not the right wording but it will have to do) stems more from 15 years of married life before this dynamic and all the water that is under that bridge. Reed was not an established Dom, and had suppressed much of himself over the years when we started. His intensity level used to vary with his displeasure on the infraction. When it did the conviction and authenticity was felt more deeply.

    I think there is certainly an element of satisfaction when it comes to punishing me for Reed -always has been. The sexual turn on has always been there, even in lecturing, though the latter I suspect is exclusively about the power exchange. Now however he finds his mind takes over and he gets annoyed that I have forced him to beat me instead of it being of his choosing. The fact that he has reverted back to the way things were before he was ‘outed’ as a sadist is the issue for me. I leaned into it for a long time and waited for him to find his voice, once he had though, I can’t seem to lean into it anymore. I need him to be honest not only with me but with himself, which he is trying to again and just say, ” I want to beat you because I want to.” I realize this will take a long time to feel comfortable in. That I can wait for, provided he is open to investigating.

    I am sorry if in my writing I implied or perhaps even said that the laziness was about punishing. I meant that he said he was lazy in cultivating our dynamic. Something he brought up again today after he thought about it again.

    I know communication is key but there should be a disclaimer with that- USEFUL communication should be key! LOLThank you so much for spending the time.

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  4. you never implied laziness regarding punishing. It just seems that the result of a Master who doesn’t derive joy, get turned on, or feel satisfaction from punishing is that the Master becomes very lazy. That makes us feel literally crazy, in the sense of….if you ignore broken rules, is it even a ar ule? Its an exhausting mental gymnastics game with no way off the hamster wheel. So..just saying…maybe that won’t happen because he’s getting something out of it beyond correction (which doesn’t seem to promote follow through in the long term). Hope this makes sense. It’s been a hard day in fibro land 🙂

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