Initially I was going to call this post Adrift, but it seemed a tad dramatic- yet probably accurate. Life as a whole isn’t bad, (knock on wood). I have managed to keep myself extremely preoccupied with somewhat meaningless tasks for others. I doubt most find them meaningless, but they aren’t crucial. They are more like make work projects. I can probably keep myself busy until Thankgiving if I choose to, but for the wrong reasons.
That being said, as far as D/s goes life is meh. Some of this is due to my preoccupation and the busyness of another school year on the horizon. Reed has been dipping his toe in and out of the D/s pool for a bit- dipping in comparison to where we were, it hasn’t ever truly gone away. Or maybe I should say the Dd aspect hasn’t truly gone away.
Years ago when we started this, I would rise to the occasion of whatever it was he asked for. Yes, asked for,now he demands ( sounds so D/s novella doesn’t it?). Often I would surpass his instructions and expectations. Now? Well now after what seemed like countless ‘missteps’ on his part, I often think why bother? Gone are the days where I felt the need to build up his dominance. Though to be fair, he said he no longer requires that of me. Hmm? How did this happen?
I can give you an example of his ‘missteps’ Not long ago he informed me I was NOT to be on the computer until we were back on track in a way that was felt by both of us. Naturally, being the good subbie I was, I stayed off. A few days later he told me to research something for him, which required the computer. Alright, that was clear. I only did my given computer task and then resumed my banning of the computer until further notice. Two weeks later he asked me if I had talked to anyone in Messanger. I looked at him bewildered, perhaps he was trying to trap me? ” Why would I have talked to anyone in messanger? I am not supposed to be on the computer you said”. He had completely forgotten. I had been ‘submitting’ to something- yet is it really submitting if the person who requires that of you no longer remembers? that I wasn’t required to. To say I was upset is a grand understatement. I wasn’t upset so much about lost time on the computer. My upset came because I felt like I was living in some ‘fantasy’ world. I was submitting to a submissive exercise that was only remembered by the submissive.
These type of things happen a lot around here,or appear to as of late. Now they impact me far greater than they used to in the past. In the past I would dust myself off and focus more on the big picture. Back when things were ‘better’ Reed talked to me about venturing into a TPE. He’s mentioned it many times over the years actually. Months later I question where that went. I know he needs to feel things in a positive light to move on, yet when things are very positive he stops because he is afraid of screwing up. I wish he’d get out of his damn head and just live what he feels. He still, after all these years questions his feelings and how wrong they are.
To be fair though, his feelings and thoughts have taken a different turn since starting. It is far more than just jumping the hurdle of ‘it isn’t right to spank my wife’. That one he never seemed to have much of an issue with,more just the context of what he did it for.
Now that he has discovered he’s a budding ‘sadist’ he questions other things. What I have noticed-he appears to disguise his sadist need as fault on my part to punish. That isn’t to say I don’t deserve to be punished.
The other day I was to do something every hour and then text him at the top of that hour to say I had completed it. No exceptions, no ‘free minutes’. ON THE :00. Sadly I failed miserably, as I was also doing some tasks with a family member. He informed me I would be punished upon his return. A few days prior he talked about marking me for days with a punishment- the punishment happened but the marking did not ( I rarely mark now as he’s been wailing away for years and unless he uses certain implements it doesn’t happen…he didn’t). He was upset with himself for choosing the wrong implement. So here was his opportunity to try again. Only it made no sense to me. It was a submissive exercise so why beat the sh*t of of me for failing a texting exercise. In the past he has taken away my phone because if I can’t text him, I am not using it for it is intended purpose. Another time he made me do it MORE often- every 30 minutes and a gave me a physical reminder. I am not saying I get to choose my punishments, but this time it seemed like he set me up so he could mark me like he wanted to. Sure I could have passed and it wouldn’t have been an issue, but my point to him was, ” Why don’t you just say, I want to mark you…for me” ? Instead he intended to beat me with the same intensity as telling him to go to hell…or eating a cookie ( no change in intensity regardless of the ‘crime’ sort of boggles my mind). The beating didn’t take place. Perhaps it should have but then again who knows where we’d be currently if he did.
Reed has this annoying habit of telling me how I feel. Let the record state, I HATE THIS! He’s a guy, I’m a girl, you men rarely get our emotions right. Let’s just put that out there now. Ask don’t assume. Tell me I am projecting something outwardly to you, but don’t state it in black and white! Yesterday set the tone for the cluster f*ck that it became, because of informing me I was mad at the world. NOPE, not the world…just YOU :). I was curt in the store with him. He was furious. Fair enough, but it went down hill from there. His anger got the better of him and he said something ( unprovoked in my opinion) he shouldn’t have that had us plummet way below the ” you were disrespectful’ line. I was furious. I owned up to not expressing myself in a respectful way, even if I felt provoked but also was not going to be disrespected by his words either. To make this long story short he told me to bend over when I got home. OH I DON”T THINK SO> Yup? Nice submissive right? I signed up for inequality, in our dynamic. I will not swear even if he does. I will not just pour myself a drink, even if he can….etc.. etc… but I will NOT BE DISRESPECTED. The inequality ends with respect. To his credit he understood.
Later he plugged me as a reminder of his presence while he was at work. He gave me a task to do ( that I told him I was doing that evening anyway so ‘gave’ isn’t really accurate) and informed me to remove the plug at a certain time and text him. With that he left for work. With that I removed the plug. Not right I am aware. My ‘justification’? I don’t have one. I didn’t want a reminder of him. I had to deal with a potentially unsavory character most of the night and I didn’t want to feel vulnernable.
This brings up my title now ( I know..lol). What the hell is wrong with me. I have a deep need for this dynamic. Before I excelled at it whether he was all in or not. Now, now I just can’t seem to let myself live it with the intent required. My first instinct is to say I can’t live an authentic life in this dynamic if my husband isn’t willing to live one also, but that sounds weak. He tries but I feel there has been so much water under this bridge for the last 2 years ( we’ve been at this far longer than 2 years) that neither of us are committing to it the way we should ( he has lacked by his own admission in this area for a long time). Last summer I finally said to him, I am not strong enough anymore to carry this relationship alone. I need your help ( relationship and dynamic). This spring I said to him, ” I need you to prove to me this matters with your actions not just your words or punishments after the fact”. Both times he said he understood. He has even gone on to say that he ‘abused my submission’ in the past, taking without providing, enjoying the benefits, without reciprocation.
There have been plenty of D/s interactions over the past few years. Many hit the mark right on, but without ‘blowing oxygen into the smoldering fire’ as someone once said, the heat can’t turn into a raging fire. There is no continuity. Consistency is one thing, but continuity is another. You can lay out as many dots as you want, but you have to connect them to get the big picture.
I seem to have blocked off that part of me that wants to allow this to evolve again. Though in all fairness, I feel that even though it takes two to tango, I have been left to draw the line between the dots myself, and even when I do that, Reed is unwilling to see the big picture. Or at the very least communicate that he does.
Thanks for reading – if you go to this point (lol) my long ramble. I realize it sounds like a lot of finger pointing, and perhaps it is. But he can write his own blog to vent if he wants. LOL. All joking aside, I really just miss feeling like myself. I miss the contentment of living who I am. I really need to find away back.