D/s is a game? Not to us.

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I am going to take a different turn here today because I think my pondering/rambling and maybe even pontificating in this post might help me get back to me a bit.

I was talking the other day to a few girl friends.  One mentioned something she heard, ( not sure the source, not sure the entire context of the conversation but this little snippet prompted me to write about it.  I have no clue what the person who said it or a portion of it meant as none of us were there when it was said).  Basically the quote was,

D/s is play and Dd is real”

 

Huh.  First off I should say, I don’t subscribe to any hierarchy when it comes to dynamics.  For some being taken in hand is far more difficult than others who are slaves. It is all subjective.  In my opinion it is all  based on the individuals within those dynamics.  The reason I do have an issue with this is primarily the judgmental aspect to the statement.  If I were to examine it through my lens ( which I am totally going to do LOL) I’d say this individual hasn’t lived a D/s dynamic.  Perhaps they have played at BDSM or are confusing the two?  But for today I am going to dissect how with my life experience thus far this quote couldn’t be further from the truth.

We came at this dynamic via Dd.  Or so we thought, not about to go into how Dd is actually a form of D/s, that is a topic for another day.  Based on this quote above I am going to leave that fact out and delve into how our lives began to change when we opened up our minds to the D/s concept.

( I don’t want to waste time constantly adding disclaimers here….or lengthen the post as I am already a wordy woman.  I will be writing via our view point so if I say he or she please do not think I am excluding male subs or female Doms.  The post will most like sound preachy, and again only our point of view from experience so please don’t feel insulted or talked down to, if it appears I am doing that)

OKAY so FOR US….. lol

Dd now seems a bit lazy, in comparison to where we are now.  I know it takes a lot of hard work for many, but for us it was a great stepping stone to this other life.  Yes Dd is still part of our dynamic, but as a foundation to build  upon.  I say lazy because really my Hoh reacted to my actions.  He set the rules, I was to follow ( oh see D/s…lol) but if I didn’t he was to take action.  With D/s he sets the rules, I am to follow, that hasn’t changed, but the rules or expectations grow. There is also not  the thought of  ‘getting caught’ if a rule is broken.  My bum doesn’t tingle or anything else for that matter if I break a rule and am going to be punished.  It is a huge deal that can take its toll on our relationship in ways it didn’t during Dd.  Breaking a rule is breaking a promise. What else has changed is  the fact that expectations are there to keep me or him in our mindset, and our roles as well.  There are exercises in submission to help cultivate my need.  These help me grow, bring down walls, etc.

I think many people believe D/s is all about kink ( confession I did when we started Dd), and for some it most certainly is.  For us the kink is fun( at least for ONE of us), it brings us closer, but it also serves a purpose- cultivation.  The thing for us is, the kink aspect while it plays a key part, isn’t the entire picture.

In fact it is submitting to very vanilla things that has me at my most submissive.  Without the D/s in vanilla activities, the kink stuff falls very short.  I can feel extremely detached regardless of what is going on sexually to me if my submissive mindset is on pause.

So what kind of vanilla?  Well I am and always have been a stay at home wife.  My responsibility is our home.  Reed has to work later, and has instructed me to iron a shirt for him ( even though there are a few ready to go in his closet already).  I have to do this at a specific time, no where near the time he is going to go to work).  It isn’t a huge deal right? Except to me this makes no sense.  I can iron 10 shirts all at once, because the ironing board will be out, but that isn’t going to happen. ONE SHIRT, at this time.  Why?  Because he said so.  Do I want to?  NOPE.  Will I get all melty because I did?  Probably not. Will I do it ?  Of course.  Will I have nipple clamps on, and a plug in*- probably not this time, but who knows? Does this bring us closer?  Not really, BUT it helps the dynamic. * side note, I had to stop writing to iron his ONE shirt, no nipple clamps or butt plug- and I’m not disappointed.  LOL

Of course I would have ironed more shirts for him today, but this is his agenda. I don’t control the situation by doing more ironing because it makes more sense- something I would have done Dd days.   I submit. I submit to the spirit of the direction. I submit to making appointments on his demand/request. I stay off of the computer, or phone, or ask to call someone.  I eat when I am told to, drink or don’t drink when I am supposed to.  I am not to ask for alcohol at home with him, but I can text him if someone offers me a drink.  The list goes on and on.   All of these little things, vanilla in nature to the outside eye, well maybe not because I have to ask, but they aren’t sexual, maintain or build upon our dynamic. They serve a purpose.

When first starting our Dd relationship, there was no maintaining anything.  It (as once said somewhere) was Set it and Forget it.  He set the rules, I followed, and it was not really brought up again unless I broke them.  Of course we had resets, ( oh look D/s) when I started to drift away or get curt, but for the most part as long as the 5 D’s he set out where followed we went about our merry way….until I needed more ( another story for another day).  Dd as we lived it opened a portal to a more D/s structured lifestyle- which ultimately became just life.

D/s became the electricity that ran through our relationship and kept it moving.  I don’t mean just sparks, I mean it became the thing that kept us both alive.  To us it isn’t a game, though when deep connection is lost, or one partner seems to pause, it can most certainly feel game-like, but trust me games don’t hurt emotionally like this.  Games don’t reach down and touch your soul allowing you to live your true life.

We don’t have rituals or protocol ( currently in our lives God only knows what the future will bring).  I am not certain from where we stand now, that is truly us.  I know for many it works wonders, for us it currently would feel forced.  Living this dynamic though, I have learned to say ‘never say never’.

I became *a* submissive through D/s.  Prior to that I submitted.  Perhaps for those who haven’t gone through that metamorphosis, there is no distinction. Perhaps for those who have always been *a* submissive, they also can not relate.  I can only describe what I believed happened to me.

Perhaps those of us who live a D/s lifestyle should feel insulted by the comment.  I don’t.  I think the media, tumblr et al promote an idea of something.  If one doesn’t delve deeper and only reads the ‘tweet’ they can formulate an opinion based on appearance alone.  If one has played and that is their D/s, that is their D/s. I can’t argue that point.  That is their experience and I cannot nor should I try to convince them otherwise.  That just isn’t our experience

D/s is difficult.  At least it is for me at times. The things I am about to say, can no doubt be found  in Dd and vanilla relationships.  Some of them existed in our vanilla marriage for years, yet they didn’t bring the same satisfaction,  and connection they do now within the context of our dynamic.   I anticipate more now, and  what has changed is it is expected of me.  I have to think what he would like and how to achieve that.  All these little exercises given or taken put him first in my mind, despite what I want.  That doesn’t mean I sacrifice my identity, or push aside all I need- but it can mean pushing aside what I want  or when my needs are met, for a greater good.  This also doesn’t mean, in our relationship, he sits on his throne and commands orders that serve him only—all the time.  He sacrifices a lot- especially time, to cultivate our life.  The life we need.  The letting go of control only happens if he creates situations that control has to be relinquished, no matter how small.  With Dd, I just had to fall in line and give up control when it came to punishments, or decision making on a larger scale.   These decisions that came our way,  the universe presented.  With D/s he creates opportunities to submit to his control, and yes often that does include sexually.

In our dynamic, even when he can’t see me, actually especially when he can’t see me I am to be his submissive in order to thrive.  Some things seem small and ridiculous, perhaps game-like to others;

I generally get up hours before Reed ( unless it was today when I was told I had to stay in bed until 7 am.  I usually wake between 5 and 6, and am a morning person so laying there doing nothing was torture.  At 7 he told me I could go down at 7:30 to make coffee….URGH!) I have my coffee long before him.  My ‘ritual’ for myself is to brew my coffee then before even taking a sip set everything up for his coffee- even if it will to be hours later before he gets up.  Does he know this?  I have no clue.  BUT it does something for me to know I am ready for him at any time.  He will often expect me in a dress of some sort.  Though he doesn’t say I have to wear one, unless he does.  I could technically change the moment he walks out the door.  He’d never know.  If I have put on a dress because that is what I chose that day as it is his preference, I technically could change into sweats and not be disobedient at all….but I don’t.  I want to remain the visual he left until it is time for bed.  I have no rules or expectations on how to do my hair or make up, but I do what he likes, because I am a) his wife but moreover b) because he likes it and I am his submissive.  Do I want to deal with this curly/frizzy mess when it is a thousand degrees out and put mascara on when my eyelids are sweating?  HELL NO!  But I take pride in doing so because it is how he likes things. If he gives me a list of chores, often there isn’t a time constraint, but sometimes there is.  If there isn’t I still do what he wants done first.  I don’t do this because I might run out of time, though that could happen.  I do it because I want his wants done first.  Granted there is also a benefit of letting go of the nagging feeling that I haven’t done what he wants when I do his stuff first, but that isn’t the primary reason.

Last example- this post. I am in a bit of a ‘(censored) you!’ mode today.  Probably hormones, but regardless it is there.  I decided to reflect on things to see if I could crack the armour just a tiny bit.  But now I have to go wipe out the fridge.  The King ( 😉 ) has a headache and is in bed.  He texted me he wants it completed within the next 45 minutes.  I could probably do it in less time up to snuff for him, but that isn’t the spirit of the exercise. If it isn’t the best I can make it, and yes something as simple as wiping out a fridge to the highest standard (not his but higher) is part of it.

I don’t expect others to understand how my mind works and how my heart follows because of our D/s dynamic.  That really wasn’t the point.  I would hope that even if one doesn’t understand what makes this particular submissive tick the vernacular used to define someone else’s dynamic or life would be open ended, and less close minded.  A girl can dream.  I mean what else does she have to do with her head stuck in a fridge wiping out mystery gelatinous crap off of the shelves?

Thanks for being my therapy session!

 

 

 

L

 

Bailing Out With a Teaspoon

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A few days ago Reed was trying to have a discussion with me.  I say trying to because quite frankly I wasn’t that receptive to the entire process.  My perception is that he tends to repeat himself when it currently comes to our dynamic.  I was trying not to roll my eyes ( I know, frustration has been at an all time high) so I mindlessly flipped through my phone while keeping an ear out.  He was puttering around as he spoke too.  Suddenly he was in front of me, hands down the front of my scoop neck top taking a hold of my nipples.  He pinched and twisted, holding tight.  I flinched and locked my jaw tight.

” Look at me! I want you back….and I intend to get what I want”

That was it.  No more discussion really on the matter that day.  Yesterday did not start out particularly well. In the interest of not making every post a novel I’ll spare you the drama.  Basically I ended up naked and in tears with a halted punishment as the catalyst. Trust me when I say, I wasn’t crying because the punishment didn’t really happen.  There once was a time when if I was being punished Reed knew there was a bigger problem at work here.  Not that I was ever the perfect sub, but submission has always come easily for me ( could have been that for the great majority of our dynamic Reed rarely brought me out of my comfort zone and when he did, if I didn’t comply graciously it was more about discussing why and less about punishment).  Now I struggle, as I said last post, with it in ways I never did.  It is almost like I have gone backwards. So far back I am behind where I even started.  So that was what brought on the tears.

For a long while our conversation was very unproductive.  He once again became repetitive and I shut down further with the occasional sobbing mess thrown in.  After some time, Reed left.  He returned with the vague outline of an idea.  He went on for a while about our relationship and pillars within our foundation that need to be rebuilt. I love my husband dearly, but I have to tell you it took about 45 minutes before he really got to his point. LOL.  I don’t want to poke fun of him, I just want to paint an accurate picture of our discussion.  Basically there was a great deal of ” Lord give me strength to not interrupt and let him process out loud”  His idea?  That we were going to have an agenda, which he would come up with but I would contribute subject matters to for him to think over, for a conversation on our dynamic.  These topics would be very specific and he would follow his agenda, as he tends to get off topic ( his words, but the truth).

This morning he talked to me a bit about the written assignment he gave me last night which was in relation to his agenda idea.  I hadn’t offered too much detail, or maybe even enough of what he wanted, but he claimed it was fine. He started a conversation surrounding our D/s.  I could feel my frustration building as it appeared to be heading the way it normally does.  Thankfully I was mostly able to keep myself in check and Reed was surprisingly patient. He wanted to examine why things he was tasking me to do were not touching me like they used it.

I went on to explain to him that our dynamic was similar to a boat taking on water ( an analogy I had used before).  And because we had had this discussion before I began to feel the boat was sinking.  I told him his tasks were like trying to bail this boat with a teaspoon.  If the boat had just started to take on water, the urgency might not warrant anything more that a small spoon, however this has been going on for a while now.  You can’t bail this much water without a bucket.

We went on to talk about what a bucket would look like.  Fortunately he has a notebook with a ‘day in the life of Evelyn’ that he looked at and we discussed( it showed what he used to demand from me).  He also had expectations and rules printed out in this book.  Some he still maintains, but many go by the wayside.  I have explained to him in the past that if I fail at a rule and it goes unmentioned over time I believe it isn’t important to him.  We talked about how giving me a task to do that I do every day ( ie water the plants in the garden or feed the dog) is rather lazy as a stand alone.  Years ago he would a book with things I like to get done daily, weekly, monthly, special tasks etc, and on top of that I would have to submit any thing I would like to do to him in writing, then he would make up his own agenda from those. He stopped using that book, and the requests in writing disappeared last winter ( a fault of both of us no doubt). It was replaced with the same chores, or he took to asking me what I had planned for the day and told me to do that.

We also talked about things that are expected every day, eating times and bed time for example.  These rules are set in stone and have never been left to fade away, however not mentioning them is as my gf would say, “Set it and forget it” erodes their importance.  He used to text, ” I want to know what you had to eat for lunch” or ”  Five minutes and you better be in bed”.  Just small indications that these rules are still there.  Just as my gf’s husband tells her to to behave when he is gone and complete what he has laid out for her in a manner he expects.  These really aren’t huge time consuming things, but little teaspoons.

Reed finally began to see where things had gone wrong and what my bailing analogy meant.  To him it means so many teaspoons in a day ( right now) so it fills a bucket to attempt to get this boat afloat again.  The clock indicated I was late for lunch, so we moved into the kitchen.  I was frustrated ( a word clearly I use a lot) as Reed changed the topic to mundane things.  Apparently my frustration was written all over my face.  He assured me he wasn’t done our discussion, but needed some time ( please say that then).

” Upstairs now. …strip, face the wall”.  He inspected with a yard stick.  I was to keep my eyes on his the entire time.  Occasionally the yard stick would strike. I was then positioned on all fours, plugged with this large glass plug ( not a fan). Anal sex is one thing as there is a stimulus there before hand usually, but a large glass plug cold turkey I wouldn’t thank you for. After that I was lubed and used.  Did that do anything for me? Meh.  When he was done bruising my cervix, I mean having his way, he positioned me back on all fours and spoke.

” That may have not done anything for you.  I know sometimes taking only serves me, and I am fine with that.  I can accept that you didn’t enjoy it this time because I did.  That may sound selfish, but it was intentional.  These scenarios feed my dominance in many ways because you willingly submit to my needs regardless of if it does much for you”.

He then asked me about my preference with removing the plug.  When he first started using them I begged him to let me take them out. For a while there he would take them out himself, which I found very embarrassing, though he never once made a comment to make me feel embarrassed. Odd really because obviously when we have anal sex he pulls out on his own, so why does the plug make me cringe more?  Anyway after a long bit of silence he told me I could leave and take it out myself.

Later in the day he told me my time and my tasks will be getting more restrictive and specific in the next few days.  I suppose we will see. Am I hopeful?  He seemed a tad different today in his demeanor. Not quite his old self, but he was certainly more receptive in our discussion.

I am unsure if the bailing of this boat will continue in a pace that is effective for both of us, but at least we stopped watching the water rush in and he devised a skeleton plan for the bailing process.