A few days ago Reed was trying to have a discussion with me. I say trying to because quite frankly I wasn’t that receptive to the entire process. My perception is that he tends to repeat himself when it currently comes to our dynamic. I was trying not to roll my eyes ( I know, frustration has been at an all time high) so I mindlessly flipped through my phone while keeping an ear out. He was puttering around as he spoke too. Suddenly he was in front of me, hands down the front of my scoop neck top taking a hold of my nipples. He pinched and twisted, holding tight. I flinched and locked my jaw tight.
” Look at me! I want you back….and I intend to get what I want”
That was it. No more discussion really on the matter that day. Yesterday did not start out particularly well. In the interest of not making every post a novel I’ll spare you the drama. Basically I ended up naked and in tears with a halted punishment as the catalyst. Trust me when I say, I wasn’t crying because the punishment didn’t really happen. There once was a time when if I was being punished Reed knew there was a bigger problem at work here. Not that I was ever the perfect sub, but submission has always come easily for me ( could have been that for the great majority of our dynamic Reed rarely brought me out of my comfort zone and when he did, if I didn’t comply graciously it was more about discussing why and less about punishment). Now I struggle, as I said last post, with it in ways I never did. It is almost like I have gone backwards. So far back I am behind where I even started. So that was what brought on the tears.
For a long while our conversation was very unproductive. He once again became repetitive and I shut down further with the occasional sobbing mess thrown in. After some time, Reed left. He returned with the vague outline of an idea. He went on for a while about our relationship and pillars within our foundation that need to be rebuilt. I love my husband dearly, but I have to tell you it took about 45 minutes before he really got to his point. LOL. I don’t want to poke fun of him, I just want to paint an accurate picture of our discussion. Basically there was a great deal of ” Lord give me strength to not interrupt and let him process out loud” His idea? That we were going to have an agenda, which he would come up with but I would contribute subject matters to for him to think over, for a conversation on our dynamic. These topics would be very specific and he would follow his agenda, as he tends to get off topic ( his words, but the truth).
This morning he talked to me a bit about the written assignment he gave me last night which was in relation to his agenda idea. I hadn’t offered too much detail, or maybe even enough of what he wanted, but he claimed it was fine. He started a conversation surrounding our D/s. I could feel my frustration building as it appeared to be heading the way it normally does. Thankfully I was mostly able to keep myself in check and Reed was surprisingly patient. He wanted to examine why things he was tasking me to do were not touching me like they used it.
I went on to explain to him that our dynamic was similar to a boat taking on water ( an analogy I had used before). And because we had had this discussion before I began to feel the boat was sinking. I told him his tasks were like trying to bail this boat with a teaspoon. If the boat had just started to take on water, the urgency might not warrant anything more that a small spoon, however this has been going on for a while now. You can’t bail this much water without a bucket.
We went on to talk about what a bucket would look like. Fortunately he has a notebook with a ‘day in the life of Evelyn’ that he looked at and we discussed( it showed what he used to demand from me). He also had expectations and rules printed out in this book. Some he still maintains, but many go by the wayside. I have explained to him in the past that if I fail at a rule and it goes unmentioned over time I believe it isn’t important to him. We talked about how giving me a task to do that I do every day ( ie water the plants in the garden or feed the dog) is rather lazy as a stand alone. Years ago he would a book with things I like to get done daily, weekly, monthly, special tasks etc, and on top of that I would have to submit any thing I would like to do to him in writing, then he would make up his own agenda from those. He stopped using that book, and the requests in writing disappeared last winter ( a fault of both of us no doubt). It was replaced with the same chores, or he took to asking me what I had planned for the day and told me to do that.
We also talked about things that are expected every day, eating times and bed time for example. These rules are set in stone and have never been left to fade away, however not mentioning them is as my gf would say, “Set it and forget it” erodes their importance. He used to text, ” I want to know what you had to eat for lunch” or ” Five minutes and you better be in bed”. Just small indications that these rules are still there. Just as my gf’s husband tells her to to behave when he is gone and complete what he has laid out for her in a manner he expects. These really aren’t huge time consuming things, but little teaspoons.
Reed finally began to see where things had gone wrong and what my bailing analogy meant. To him it means so many teaspoons in a day ( right now) so it fills a bucket to attempt to get this boat afloat again. The clock indicated I was late for lunch, so we moved into the kitchen. I was frustrated ( a word clearly I use a lot) as Reed changed the topic to mundane things. Apparently my frustration was written all over my face. He assured me he wasn’t done our discussion, but needed some time ( please say that then).
” Upstairs now. …strip, face the wall”. He inspected with a yard stick. I was to keep my eyes on his the entire time. Occasionally the yard stick would strike. I was then positioned on all fours, plugged with this large glass plug ( not a fan). Anal sex is one thing as there is a stimulus there before hand usually, but a large glass plug cold turkey I wouldn’t thank you for. After that I was lubed and used. Did that do anything for me? Meh. When he was done bruising my cervix, I mean having his way, he positioned me back on all fours and spoke.
” That may have not done anything for you. I know sometimes taking only serves me, and I am fine with that. I can accept that you didn’t enjoy it this time because I did. That may sound selfish, but it was intentional. These scenarios feed my dominance in many ways because you willingly submit to my needs regardless of if it does much for you”.
He then asked me about my preference with removing the plug. When he first started using them I begged him to let me take them out. For a while there he would take them out himself, which I found very embarrassing, though he never once made a comment to make me feel embarrassed. Odd really because obviously when we have anal sex he pulls out on his own, so why does the plug make me cringe more? Anyway after a long bit of silence he told me I could leave and take it out myself.
Later in the day he told me my time and my tasks will be getting more restrictive and specific in the next few days. I suppose we will see. Am I hopeful? He seemed a tad different today in his demeanor. Not quite his old self, but he was certainly more receptive in our discussion.
I am unsure if the bailing of this boat will continue in a pace that is effective for both of us, but at least we stopped watching the water rush in and he devised a skeleton plan for the bailing process.