D/s is a game? Not to us.

I am going to take a different turn here today because I think my pondering/rambling and maybe even pontificating in this post might help me get back to me a bit.

I was talking the other day to a few girl friends.  One mentioned something she heard, ( not sure the source, not sure the entire context of the conversation but this little snippet prompted me to write about it.  I have no clue what the person who said it or a portion of it meant as none of us were there when it was said).  Basically the quote was,

D/s is play and Dd is real”


Huh.  First off I should say, I don’t subscribe to any hierarchy when it comes to dynamics.  For some being taken in hand is far more difficult than others who are slaves. It is all subjective.  In my opinion it is all  based on the individuals within those dynamics.  The reason I do have an issue with this is primarily the judgmental aspect to the statement.  If I were to examine it through my lens ( which I am totally going to do LOL) I’d say this individual hasn’t lived a D/s dynamic.  Perhaps they have played at BDSM or are confusing the two?  But for today I am going to dissect how with my life experience thus far this quote couldn’t be further from the truth.

We came at this dynamic via Dd.  Or so we thought, not about to go into how Dd is actually a form of D/s, that is a topic for another day.  Based on this quote above I am going to leave that fact out and delve into how our lives began to change when we opened up our minds to the D/s concept.

( I don’t want to waste time constantly adding disclaimers here….or lengthen the post as I am already a wordy woman.  I will be writing via our view point so if I say he or she please do not think I am excluding male subs or female Doms.  The post will most like sound preachy, and again only our point of view from experience so please don’t feel insulted or talked down to, if it appears I am doing that)

OKAY so FOR US….. lol

Dd now seems a bit lazy, in comparison to where we are now.  I know it takes a lot of hard work for many, but for us it was a great stepping stone to this other life.  Yes Dd is still part of our dynamic, but as a foundation to build  upon.  I say lazy because really my Hoh reacted to my actions.  He set the rules, I was to follow ( oh see D/s…lol) but if I didn’t he was to take action.  With D/s he sets the rules, I am to follow, that hasn’t changed, but the rules or expectations grow. There is also not  the thought of  ‘getting caught’ if a rule is broken.  My bum doesn’t tingle or anything else for that matter if I break a rule and am going to be punished.  It is a huge deal that can take its toll on our relationship in ways it didn’t during Dd.  Breaking a rule is breaking a promise. What else has changed is  the fact that expectations are there to keep me or him in our mindset, and our roles as well.  There are exercises in submission to help cultivate my need.  These help me grow, bring down walls, etc.

I think many people believe D/s is all about kink ( confession I did when we started Dd), and for some it most certainly is.  For us the kink is fun( at least for ONE of us), it brings us closer, but it also serves a purpose- cultivation.  The thing for us is, the kink aspect while it plays a key part, isn’t the entire picture.

In fact it is submitting to very vanilla things that has me at my most submissive.  Without the D/s in vanilla activities, the kink stuff falls very short.  I can feel extremely detached regardless of what is going on sexually to me if my submissive mindset is on pause.

So what kind of vanilla?  Well I am and always have been a stay at home wife.  My responsibility is our home.  Reed has to work later, and has instructed me to iron a shirt for him ( even though there are a few ready to go in his closet already).  I have to do this at a specific time, no where near the time he is going to go to work).  It isn’t a huge deal right? Except to me this makes no sense.  I can iron 10 shirts all at once, because the ironing board will be out, but that isn’t going to happen. ONE SHIRT, at this time.  Why?  Because he said so.  Do I want to?  NOPE.  Will I get all melty because I did?  Probably not. Will I do it ?  Of course.  Will I have nipple clamps on, and a plug in*- probably not this time, but who knows? Does this bring us closer?  Not really, BUT it helps the dynamic. * side note, I had to stop writing to iron his ONE shirt, no nipple clamps or butt plug- and I’m not disappointed.  LOL

Of course I would have ironed more shirts for him today, but this is his agenda. I don’t control the situation by doing more ironing because it makes more sense- something I would have done Dd days.   I submit. I submit to the spirit of the direction. I submit to making appointments on his demand/request. I stay off of the computer, or phone, or ask to call someone.  I eat when I am told to, drink or don’t drink when I am supposed to.  I am not to ask for alcohol at home with him, but I can text him if someone offers me a drink.  The list goes on and on.   All of these little things, vanilla in nature to the outside eye, well maybe not because I have to ask, but they aren’t sexual, maintain or build upon our dynamic. They serve a purpose.

When first starting our Dd relationship, there was no maintaining anything.  It (as once said somewhere) was Set it and Forget it.  He set the rules, I followed, and it was not really brought up again unless I broke them.  Of course we had resets, ( oh look D/s) when I started to drift away or get curt, but for the most part as long as the 5 D’s he set out where followed we went about our merry way….until I needed more ( another story for another day).  Dd as we lived it opened a portal to a more D/s structured lifestyle- which ultimately became just life.

D/s became the electricity that ran through our relationship and kept it moving.  I don’t mean just sparks, I mean it became the thing that kept us both alive.  To us it isn’t a game, though when deep connection is lost, or one partner seems to pause, it can most certainly feel game-like, but trust me games don’t hurt emotionally like this.  Games don’t reach down and touch your soul allowing you to live your true life.

We don’t have rituals or protocol ( currently in our lives God only knows what the future will bring).  I am not certain from where we stand now, that is truly us.  I know for many it works wonders, for us it currently would feel forced.  Living this dynamic though, I have learned to say ‘never say never’.

I became *a* submissive through D/s.  Prior to that I submitted.  Perhaps for those who haven’t gone through that metamorphosis, there is no distinction. Perhaps for those who have always been *a* submissive, they also can not relate.  I can only describe what I believed happened to me.

Perhaps those of us who live a D/s lifestyle should feel insulted by the comment.  I don’t.  I think the media, tumblr et al promote an idea of something.  If one doesn’t delve deeper and only reads the ‘tweet’ they can formulate an opinion based on appearance alone.  If one has played and that is their D/s, that is their D/s. I can’t argue that point.  That is their experience and I cannot nor should I try to convince them otherwise.  That just isn’t our experience

D/s is difficult.  At least it is for me at times. The things I am about to say, can no doubt be found  in Dd and vanilla relationships.  Some of them existed in our vanilla marriage for years, yet they didn’t bring the same satisfaction,  and connection they do now within the context of our dynamic.   I anticipate more now, and  what has changed is it is expected of me.  I have to think what he would like and how to achieve that.  All these little exercises given or taken put him first in my mind, despite what I want.  That doesn’t mean I sacrifice my identity, or push aside all I need- but it can mean pushing aside what I want  or when my needs are met, for a greater good.  This also doesn’t mean, in our relationship, he sits on his throne and commands orders that serve him only—all the time.  He sacrifices a lot- especially time, to cultivate our life.  The life we need.  The letting go of control only happens if he creates situations that control has to be relinquished, no matter how small.  With Dd, I just had to fall in line and give up control when it came to punishments, or decision making on a larger scale.   These decisions that came our way,  the universe presented.  With D/s he creates opportunities to submit to his control, and yes often that does include sexually.

In our dynamic, even when he can’t see me, actually especially when he can’t see me I am to be his submissive in order to thrive.  Some things seem small and ridiculous, perhaps game-like to others;

I generally get up hours before Reed ( unless it was today when I was told I had to stay in bed until 7 am.  I usually wake between 5 and 6, and am a morning person so laying there doing nothing was torture.  At 7 he told me I could go down at 7:30 to make coffee….URGH!) I have my coffee long before him.  My ‘ritual’ for myself is to brew my coffee then before even taking a sip set everything up for his coffee- even if it will to be hours later before he gets up.  Does he know this?  I have no clue.  BUT it does something for me to know I am ready for him at any time.  He will often expect me in a dress of some sort.  Though he doesn’t say I have to wear one, unless he does.  I could technically change the moment he walks out the door.  He’d never know.  If I have put on a dress because that is what I chose that day as it is his preference, I technically could change into sweats and not be disobedient at all….but I don’t.  I want to remain the visual he left until it is time for bed.  I have no rules or expectations on how to do my hair or make up, but I do what he likes, because I am a) his wife but moreover b) because he likes it and I am his submissive.  Do I want to deal with this curly/frizzy mess when it is a thousand degrees out and put mascara on when my eyelids are sweating?  HELL NO!  But I take pride in doing so because it is how he likes things. If he gives me a list of chores, often there isn’t a time constraint, but sometimes there is.  If there isn’t I still do what he wants done first.  I don’t do this because I might run out of time, though that could happen.  I do it because I want his wants done first.  Granted there is also a benefit of letting go of the nagging feeling that I haven’t done what he wants when I do his stuff first, but that isn’t the primary reason.

Last example- this post. I am in a bit of a ‘(censored) you!’ mode today.  Probably hormones, but regardless it is there.  I decided to reflect on things to see if I could crack the armour just a tiny bit.  But now I have to go wipe out the fridge.  The King ( 😉 ) has a headache and is in bed.  He texted me he wants it completed within the next 45 minutes.  I could probably do it in less time up to snuff for him, but that isn’t the spirit of the exercise. If it isn’t the best I can make it, and yes something as simple as wiping out a fridge to the highest standard (not his but higher) is part of it.

I don’t expect others to understand how my mind works and how my heart follows because of our D/s dynamic.  That really wasn’t the point.  I would hope that even if one doesn’t understand what makes this particular submissive tick the vernacular used to define someone else’s dynamic or life would be open ended, and less close minded.  A girl can dream.  I mean what else does she have to do with her head stuck in a fridge wiping out mystery gelatinous crap off of the shelves?

Thanks for being my therapy session!






12 thoughts on “D/s is a game? Not to us.

  1. I love this post. I will say when we first began in DD I also thought Ds was well more FUN kink. I do not feel that way now. I still believe it can be FUN kink but I also see it as well a little deeper in submission for me. In DD for me/us I asked for many of the goals I wanted his help with, and he helped some and when it mattered to him. I am not saying things didn’t matter to him I wanted help with, but I did find that some things that might have mattered a bit more to me maybe mattered less to him. A friend shared with me that for some people if it wasn’t Important to them many times the goal/rule was ignored or maybe even just spoken as I know you did or did not do so & so, but I am going to let that slide. In Ds more of the time I found him wanting certain things that seemed to matter to him and he would pay attention to, that is not to say I or my feelings do not matter to him but it just seems IDK a bit deeper for us than DD is. I think for me I love when he has certain wants/needs and voices that to me. It is not always like this believe me but more of the time than not I can feel a deeper submission in Ds maybe because he is on point more so than he is with DD, or maybe I am just that damn Good and Submissive LOL. We have both in our relationship, one just seems to work a little more often & better than the other does. I know that probably makes no sense to anyone but me. I do know that last night I did lay out his work satchel and place some of the things I know he needs with him either inside it or on it, just because I wanted to do it for him, he didn’t ask or tell me to. I also let him know I made his lunch and he would find it in the fridge. I like doing things for him but sometimes a direct order can also be kinda HOT! There is the kinky FUN part for me at times and then well its not. LOL He noticed I had his stuff ready for work when he woke that morning and he was very appreciative. I have also learned for me to never say never, because I have changed very much since the beginning. Thanks I love the post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Welcome Ashley, Honey? Lee? lol

      I am so relieved this post struck a cord in someone. I was somewhat nervous putting it out there. I don’t want to come across in a way I don’t intend, and with no one really knowing me that is very easy to have happen.

      I too believe that focusing more on the Dominance and submission aspect via what many consider D/s vs Dd has given me the ability to go deeper and to a place I didn’t know existed with my submission.

      I think for some, maybe? Dd runs its course because it ends up being a cycle of crime and punishment. Ideally what needed to be worked upon, will eventually be over come ( outside of maybe emotional outbursts…or is that just me? LOL) and then what? Where is the active submission and domination. That of course is extremely oversimplified, but certainly where we were headed before a more structured D/s.

      I can see with your example about getting your husband’s things ready ( and many a vanilla wife would do the same, but that isn’t what our lives are about.LOL) brought you such satisfaction. There is a joy in giving that is different for me. Perhaps now because he does demand things of me, when I do things he likes and doesn’t expect it is like a little bonus surprise for him. Like I have been thinking ‘extra’ about him. Okay so not how I wanted that to come out. Hopefully anyone who reads that will read more depth into that then what was typed out. lol ( Though so with you on the hotness of ‘ because I said so’ also).

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Makes me feel not so alone in the process! I hope you feel comfortable enough to come back any time!



    Ok, so here is what i think. i think a rose by any other name and all that. ..

    I mean, D/s stands for Dominance/Submission. In DD Is the HoH not dominant? and the TiH partner submissive to their Dom? Is Daddydom/little girl NOT dd? not D/s? something different again?

    I think all of these are just slightly tweaked versions of the same thing. Sure, maybe a couple is not married, so that doesn’t fit quite into the Head of Household definition, cos well, there is no household. But there can still be DD, or D/s or whatever it is right? I think in EVERY label / kink there is going to be a range of “dominance” or “kinkiness” and none is “less serious” or “more difficult” than another. They are all just DIFFERENT. some might argue that it’s about gradation. holding on to your wife’s ponytail may be seen as less extreme than holding on to a slave’s leash while she crawls on all fours with an inserted butt plug. But for someone whom hair-pulling is a trigger for a breakdown, that tugging on her ponytail is probably way way more difficult for her to accept than someone who enjoys crawling at the end of a leash.

    I’ve gone on too long, but what I’m trying to say i think, is that it’s all just variants of each other, and i don’t necessarily think one is “less” serious / difficult than another.


    • Hi Fondles,
      I am unsure as to whether your comment is because there was a misunderstanding with my post, or in support of it? LOL
      . In case you think I disagree with what you are saying…I believe I expressed in the first two paragraphs after the quote 🙂
      “not about to go into how Dd is actually a form of D/s, that is a topic for another day.”
      All of the power exchange dynamics fall under D/s. I just didn’t want to go into the whys because it has been rehashed all over the place, in blogs or in chatrooms.

      As I said it is all subjective as to difficulty dependent on the individuals involved. We personally found that the D/s subgroup Dd was far ‘easier’ than the classification we find ourselves in now ( though really don’t know what to refer to our dynamic now- it isn’t a TPE or M/s, . a sprinkle of this and a sprinkle of that more or less). That is not to say we found Dd ( cause and effect) easy when we lived it exclusively ( yes it is D/s but for the purpose of comparison in this post I did elude, or I hope I did that I was dividing them up ). On the contrary it was extremely difficult to get accustom too. Some days, such as this past weekend, I have to say I failed at that aspect quite magnificently.

      Whenever anyone says in a serious way that Dd is not D/s I am reminded of this quote, ” You can have D/s without Dd but you can’t have Dd without D/s”

      Thanks for stopping by again


  3. I certainly understand your point of view, EC. Labels and acronyms abound in this world, often meaning different things to different folks. Its always interesting to read about the various interpretations.

    We started as D/s 20 yrs ago, bedroom kink only. We entered this blog world early this year when we discovered and made a decision to try DD. We saw it as a way to evolve the ptrevious D/s dynamic into a more 24/7 practice. Your explanation of your view of the difference between DD and D/s made sense to me. Once we put the DD rules in place I happily followed but then what? Where do you go from there? Resets, or the necessity of them, having gone through one yet again, are painful from an emotional point of view … nothing to look forward to. We have been evolving into our desired 24/7 D/s although struggling with it being more sexual than not. I think this is why your discussion re submitting to very vanilla activities spoke to me. We are very much in a learning curve again after our first go round many years ago when educational literature on these topics wasn’t as easy to find or obtain (our first book was Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns :)) …. Thanks for the discourse … nj

    Liked by 1 person

    • Welcome Nora Jean!

      I can imagine ( and I did read your blog but I think I forgot to get back and comment perhaps?) how this post in some ways might have struck a cord in you- not saying it did, but when I saw your name come up in my comments I started to think what reading this ‘could’ have been like for you. As you said you started, almost the complete opposite to us in one way. You started with D/s and its kink. I can see how that would be an easy way to get tripped up and fall back to that after bringing Dd into your relationship.

      I am not explaining myself well, here let me try with my experience. As a stay at home, well everything, when we moved over to the D/s part of things and I felt we lost connection, my chore list made me feel like we did before D/s. Our chore list has never been about me accomplishing things, I can do that without needing to be managed. HOWEVER when put into the D/s context it took on an entirely different context in my mind and heart ( perhaps your D/s sex was different after bringing it out of the bedroom too?). With the loss of connection between us, well the housewifey returned and I felt I was alone. I defaulted back into my old mindset cleaning, for the sake of cleaning and not because it fed my submission. Going through the motions as it would be. Sure I had the satisfaction of a job well done, but not that added bonus of feeling fulfilled on a much deeper level. I think when we lose connection with ttwd we our Doms revert back to what they know and feel comfortable with and we resort back to our feelings from that time. Eventually I believe we all have the potential to move past this, but it takes a lot of pain and practice as well as talking ( unfortunately LOL)


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