The Onus is Always On Me First

Why does it take so long to reset a mindset? You KNOW in your head where you need to be but the heart always takes so much longer. Honestly I personally find this an extremely frustrating part of my character!

I read, A LOT.  Not Dd or D/s fiction, couldn’t be bothered, but the rest of you have at it if that is your thing, no judgment here.  I read a lot of blogs, tumblr, chats, (though I rarely participate anymore), forums.  I don’t participate in many of those areas anymore because I just can’t relate.  That is more a comment on myself than the contributors I can assure you. I can’t pinpoint why I feel like a fish out of water in those areas.  I have thought on it for a long time.  People in this community don’t change on mass, so it makes no sense other than where I am at mentally that I cannot find a common ground or couldn’t be bothered to dig to find it- I should say.

So anyway, I read a lot and think a WHOLE lot more! I examine motivation, what is between the lines, not to criticize but to understand.  To examine where I might be in that situation.  To understand the struggle in hopes to understand myself.  I also think out loud a LOT.  Ask my friends! lol.  I miss the in depth conversations I used to take part in more than I do now.

Anyway I digress- as life would have it, I have been talking to a woman relatively new to this dynamic.  Her dynamic is vastly different than mine only due to the mindset of both her and her husband.  The way her story has been told to me over the past few weeks, their motivation is completely different than mine or Reed’s.  Not here to judge on whether that is right or wrong, it is just different.  Sometimes though through vast differences one can see themselves.

I began to realize as I became more and more involved in her life as a sounding board that my answers were the answers *I* actually needed to hear.  When we first embarked on this , ‘journey’ , ‘adventure’, ‘hell ride’, ‘ roller coaster’,  ‘yellow brick road to the great and mysterious Oz’  I viewed my position as keeper of MY promises.  Sounds overly simplistic, but it in reality it IS that simple.  Remove the hurt caused by past history.  Remove the frustration of lack of forward movement from my Dom ( at times). Remove the stresses of every day life- and goodness knows there are heaps of those.  Beyond all of those things are my promises.

I didn’t obey because Reed was deserving of it.  It wasn’t my duty to police him. I didn’t obey or submit to ‘build him up so he’d be more dominant’.  I didn’t  put a time limit on submission based on his dominance.  I obeyed/ submitted because I said I would.  I obeyed/submitted because I have this deep seated need to defer to him.  The benefits were amazing, as true weightlessness and freedom was found on the other side.

Somewhere along the line though, I lost sight of MY responsibility in my mindset.  Sure I can claim his actions, words, broken promises on occasion ( for whatever reason, sometimes it was unavoidable) gave me justification in my mind to run and hide.  I made a wall of self righteousness because of hurt.  It is far easier to be angry and use that emotion as a force field to deflect any wrong doing on my part and keep me ‘safe’ while doing so.  I told myself, and him that standing where I was was all I could do.  I couldn’t meet him half way.  I needed him to prove to me it was safe to do so.  And to be truthful I did.  The issue became that he did start to meet me half way, some days literally grabbing me and hauling me in that direction. But somewhere along the line, I put the onus of my submission on him in my own mind. Proving I need him to be there is one thing, but how I see or react to such ‘proof’ is my doing.

What sub doesn’t want to hear the words, ” I want you back.  And bit by bit inch by inch I am going to get you back even if that means I have to do so with you kicking and screaming all the way.” ?  My heart did soar the moment he said that but I allowed my mind to quickly grab it and pull it back to the ground with a crashing thud! Essentially I lost the plot.  I can sit with many of you and justify why I couldn’t allow myself to trust based on a hundred different arguments, and I’d be correct.  HOWEVER I was missing the best argument of all to trust, because I said I would. Because at my core that is who I am.  That is who I need to be and who I want to be.

You know we often hear of consistency or lack thereof when discussing Dd/ D/s.  Usually a Dd wife will declare that her husband is inconsistent.  I always was conflicted by this, in my life.  You see, while I understand that and have been the ‘victim’ of it myself, the other side of the coin is always, ” If you are being consistent, then how are you aware he is not?” .  I mean if you are doing what you promised to do, follow rules ,expectations etc…then he really shouldn’t have much to do in the way of discipline should he? LOL.  Which is actually why we ended up morphing into D/s to give us more outwardly ways to show Dominance and Submission.  No our issue here is continuity, but that is for a whole other post.

So today I wake with not a new or fresh perspective.  Today I blew off the dust of my old perspective.  I saw it there for a long time I just couldn’t uncover it fully. Today I submit fully, (I have been robotically submitting for the most part)because I said I would.  He can do what he does because in part it currently  should make little difference negatively affecting my mindset.  I will  always need support and cultivation to grow and feel acceptance of who I am ( which he does give me more often than not), but starting today I will be me.  I will not fight the little voice- I will fight the loud one of doubt.  Today I will start the motion of flipping their positions again.  I will do so by taking the small/giant step of fulfilling my promises, not just for his benefit, but for mine. Because I AM responsible for my own mindset. The onus is and always has been on me to be submissive in every aspect of the word.