Updating A Blogland Analogy to Fit Us

Featured

Odd, I created this space to write, and then I didn’t.  Believe it or not that isn’t typical of me.  I have written a lot for Reed, or perhaps AT Reed would be more accurate, but not to share.

Why today? ( especially as I am ‘high’ on medication and after rereading the entire post several times, am confused as to why I started writing it in the first place? LOL) I can’t actually answer that.  With Google shutting down google plus in a few weeks, I found myself pouring over old chats from when I first started down this road years ago.  Why I said *I* and not we is because I had started to live submission before bringing it to Reed.  It occurred to me reading these old chats/emails that in some small way, I miss the ‘simplicity’ of it all when life was new with ttwd.  Though I have to say, back then it felt anything but simple.

Years ago there was a post floating around comparing Dd and those attempting it to the game Trivial Pursuit.  The basic premise of the post was we all start off with empty game pieces.  Some people zoom around the board at a rapid pace, not collecting any pieces, or accumulating many depending on their knowledge ( Dd wise-experiences and opportunities).  Life throws many things at us, and we are all so different that one Dd team may get the consistency pie piece right away, but the effective communication piece might be illusive for a while ( as a simple example).

I think of this often when I think of where I am specifically with my submission and where we are as a ‘team’.  Years into Dd D/s I have found we have what some would consider ‘newbie’ issues- but issues we didn’t have as newbies.  Reed creating  more submission opportunities comes to mind.  Yes, I still believe that the onus is on me to be the most authentic me I can be and that means being a submissive regardless of life around me.  However life isn’t that cut and dry.  Often mistakes, and miscommunication derail my once steadfast conviction to my authentic self. Honestly I believe we have even created new bad habits in the past couple of years.

Where once upon a time I looked for any indication of dominance and blew oxygen into that. Years later I find I often LOOK for the dominance before feeling my submission. ( Yet oddly enough after Reed goes to work and I am alone, I begin to work on it myself again) In my mind’s eye, that shouldn’t be.  In my memory it wasn’t like that prior.  BUT I suppose we didn’t collect that piece of the pie when we landed on it years ago?

My real reasoning for bringing up the Trivial Pursuit analogy was because I revisited a blog I hadn’t in a very long time because I basically couldn’t relate before.  Not that the author wasn’t a good writer or that I didn’t find value in their dynamic, it just wasn’t something I could draw from, at the time.  Today was different.  Today ( my take away at least) she wrote about how she can do submissive things though not easily ( I have always felt submission for the most part on a day to day basis comes easily- but perhaps Reed doesn’t require much from me.  On an emotional day?  Not so much) but the greatest growth for her comes when he demands more than she thinks she can give.  Today we seem to be working on the same pie piece.

There has always been that debate among friends and myself- is it truly submission if it is easy? if it doesn’t cost anything? * That usually gets the subs going in a conversation! LOL.  My personal answer? Not for me.  I should probably expand that to include, sure it is submission for him visually, and without those little acts of submission the big ones would never happen, but my growth, ease, and acceptance of who I am comes with the more challenging ‘acts’ of submission.   Sort of like an artist sitting down to colour versus an artist painting an original work of art.  Or maybe a runner going around the block instead of running 5k. ( can’t say we’ve approached marathon status to use that in the analogy).  The every day little jaunts keep one in shape, to a point, but leaves the knowledge that what can be done isn’t required- especially if what can be done, HAS been done.

It is something I have noticed with many of my DdD/s friends over the years.  The more the balance of power is authentically shifted, even if only in pockets of time, the more we therefore expect it to be- and stay.  I believe that is the natural progression of a submissive.  Ideally that is also the natural progression of a Dominant as well.  Sadly they are horrible followers!  LOL

There is a trust built, and I hesitate to say perhaps a level of submission and dominance  came hand in hand with that trust.  When those levels of submission and/or dominance appear watered down, for a day, a week, a month,  or even a isolated situation depending on the individuals involved, that trust can seem or become askew.  I’m not saying it SHOULD be, but for many- such as myself, it can be.

So why after so many years is this even an issue?  Why indeed? Perhaps we didn’t conquer and obtain the piece of the pie initially because it was truly difficult for the team?   Perhaps we have a similar category piece of the pie, and believed it was the same so didn’t try for it? Or a more honest answer might be,  the longer we are in pursuit, the more the rules change because the players, while the same are different as they grow along.

Advertisements

Where can I find a girl like that

YES! To all of this….just yes ( reblog)

To continue from yesterday on the topic of genuine in our lifestyle and my interpretation.

It is rare that I present my dynamic in any public setting. she is not on a blog because she and I decided that at this point her headspace is well communicated and she doesn’t wish at this point to spend time otherwise dedicated to us to a blog. That said I have received questions before from people who do know her and us and recently from potential Dominants wanting tips and advice. Usually it goes something like this:

“I think I might be a Dom but don’t know how to get started. I’ve seen or heard about you (I have presences otherwise in the scene online and to a very small extent publicly) with your submissive and  that’s exactly the type of girl I want – how did you train her to be that…

View original post 1,232 more words

Struggles Seem To Sting More With Experience

Featured

Reed and I have been ‘at this’ for a long time, though I suppose that is a relative statement.  Let’s just say more then 5 years, less then 10 if you need a calendar timeline. An emotional timeline is far more difficult.  I’d say some days it seems like forever, and other days it seems like we are still wet behind the ears.

Only, we are not wet behind the ears, those days seem to have been easier in comparison to now.  The first few years were a real eye opener personally.  There was a great deal of inner growth, realizations of why I hid, or didn’t recognize who I was.  Revelations flew at me at a rapid pace back then.  Things were and still are a bit slower in that department for Reed.  Perhaps it is a male/female difference, or perhaps it is the fact that I had time to prepare for my outing and his every move has been scrutinized since day one, thus leaving him very little time for self discovery because his concentration has been on leading.  But, I digress…..

 I have come to realize many of us are in similar situations with our dynamic..  The longer we live this life, the more we come to rely on our significant other to provide what we expect from them, based on our history within this dynamic.  This isn’t to say we shirk all our responsibilities.   Self improvement, and drive still has to exist, for both parties, but at least for myself the expectation is so much greater now for him to be proactive, to maintain, to alter the course.  

The satisfaction of shooting for the moon and landing on a star seems to diminish when you have landed and walked on the moon.  I don’t believe this means those of us who feel this way are all ungrateful or demanding, it merely means our expectations have grown due our life experiences with this.  Once upon a time many  might have read about others and wished/hoped/desired for a life  like that.  After experiencing it, whether in pockets or constantly, longings change from what others have to what we had, (even if the time has only been a week or so at a time) when we struggle.  Once awakened to a better relationship, or perhaps just a deeper connection in an already good relationship, speaking from a female subs point of view anyway, you can’t unfeel that. Gone is the hoping we could be that some day – changed to knowing we have been that. And quite frankly for me it is like an intoxicating drug.  The freedom found in living such an unguarded existence is too incredible for me to accurately express in words.

So, where do Reed and I find ourselves currently? Hoping the cloud cover will blow past so we can even SEE the moon to shoot for.  Sometimes the upheaval of schedules due to summer vacation is to blame – but our expectations are that we have lived this life for so long, that should not happen.  Now we find ourselves in a spot where the reason  for this endless loop ( it has been a few months now) is more important than where we are.  There are still stand alone instances of D/s but it doesn’t feel like it is an undercurrent running through our relationship at the moment.

HOW did this happen is  the burning question.  There were no outward distractions, greater than normal anyway.  There was no illness, or life getting in the way.  It appears it was just US.  Pressures,  and  expectations….one feeling they need to rely on a person for something they feel they are refusing to deliver upon in a meaningful way….the other feeling fearful for reasons the first does not comprehend. 

Communication they say is key.  We communicate so differently now then we did 2 years ago, and completely differently then we did when we began. The depth of communication, and yes expectations from communication has changed.  Both of us  expect more and instantaneous results from our conversations.  Sadly that doesn’t always happen. Some days it feels like there is little point to conversing, afterall haven’t we both said the same things a hundred times before?  Reed’s answer to that statement, ” Then we shall say them 101 times”.

It has been my experience that this dynamic doesn’t get easier as we cross off days on the calendar.  The struggles or the reasons behind the challenges  on the surface appear to be similar to ones we started out with in the first few years , and to a degree they are.  What is different is knowing; knowing you can live, feel, experience a different degree of life with your significant other.  There is a longing to reach back into the past and relive that time.  There is a confusion on how on earth you stumbled AGAIN.  It is so much more than merely opening Pandora’s Box. There is a part of your soul that has been touched so deeply you cannot deny its existence.  You hold the key to that, but you need the other person to turn it; to unlock the final piece.  And the thing about this dynamic which many don’t realize, you need them to unlock it over and over again.

For some that may mean every day.  For others once a week, or month.  I believe our personal histories before our relationships and within the context of the dynamic plays a pivotal role in how often we find our lock needs to be opened.  I know personally I do far better if Reed props the ‘door open’ but honestly often he has to pull me through it in order for me to feel it is okay to be there. Once there I am generally good for staying put…until I am not.

Lately I have felt as if I have been pounding from the inside of a vault and the other side can’t make out the sound. I just want to get back to the track we  were on.  It wasn’t ever perfect, but it was heading in a direction of great promise.  When we are where we find ourselves now I begin to question whether what happened was real, or if I read too much into it, to make it what I needed it to be.

I suspect we will be fine, we always end up having another pocket of connection.  I just grow weary of all of the time clinging to the memories of our past and waiting for them to be our present again.