Updating A Blogland Analogy to Fit Us

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Odd, I created this space to write, and then I didn’t.  Believe it or not that isn’t typical of me.  I have written a lot for Reed, or perhaps AT Reed would be more accurate, but not to share.

Why today? ( especially as I am ‘high’ on medication and after rereading the entire post several times, am confused as to why I started writing it in the first place? LOL) I can’t actually answer that.  With Google shutting down google plus in a few weeks, I found myself pouring over old chats from when I first started down this road years ago.  Why I said *I* and not we is because I had started to live submission before bringing it to Reed.  It occurred to me reading these old chats/emails that in some small way, I miss the ‘simplicity’ of it all when life was new with ttwd.  Though I have to say, back then it felt anything but simple.

Years ago there was a post floating around comparing Dd and those attempting it to the game Trivial Pursuit.  The basic premise of the post was we all start off with empty game pieces.  Some people zoom around the board at a rapid pace, not collecting any pieces, or accumulating many depending on their knowledge ( Dd wise-experiences and opportunities).  Life throws many things at us, and we are all so different that one Dd team may get the consistency pie piece right away, but the effective communication piece might be illusive for a while ( as a simple example).

I think of this often when I think of where I am specifically with my submission and where we are as a ‘team’.  Years into Dd D/s I have found we have what some would consider ‘newbie’ issues- but issues we didn’t have as newbies.  Reed creating  more submission opportunities comes to mind.  Yes, I still believe that the onus is on me to be the most authentic me I can be and that means being a submissive regardless of life around me.  However life isn’t that cut and dry.  Often mistakes, and miscommunication derail my once steadfast conviction to my authentic self. Honestly I believe we have even created new bad habits in the past couple of years.

Where once upon a time I looked for any indication of dominance and blew oxygen into that. Years later I find I often LOOK for the dominance before feeling my submission. ( Yet oddly enough after Reed goes to work and I am alone, I begin to work on it myself again) In my mind’s eye, that shouldn’t be.  In my memory it wasn’t like that prior.  BUT I suppose we didn’t collect that piece of the pie when we landed on it years ago?

My real reasoning for bringing up the Trivial Pursuit analogy was because I revisited a blog I hadn’t in a very long time because I basically couldn’t relate before.  Not that the author wasn’t a good writer or that I didn’t find value in their dynamic, it just wasn’t something I could draw from, at the time.  Today was different.  Today ( my take away at least) she wrote about how she can do submissive things though not easily ( I have always felt submission for the most part on a day to day basis comes easily- but perhaps Reed doesn’t require much from me.  On an emotional day?  Not so much) but the greatest growth for her comes when he demands more than she thinks she can give.  Today we seem to be working on the same pie piece.

There has always been that debate among friends and myself- is it truly submission if it is easy? if it doesn’t cost anything? * That usually gets the subs going in a conversation! LOL.  My personal answer? Not for me.  I should probably expand that to include, sure it is submission for him visually, and without those little acts of submission the big ones would never happen, but my growth, ease, and acceptance of who I am comes with the more challenging ‘acts’ of submission.   Sort of like an artist sitting down to colour versus an artist painting an original work of art.  Or maybe a runner going around the block instead of running 5k. ( can’t say we’ve approached marathon status to use that in the analogy).  The every day little jaunts keep one in shape, to a point, but leaves the knowledge that what can be done isn’t required- especially if what can be done, HAS been done.

It is something I have noticed with many of my DdD/s friends over the years.  The more the balance of power is authentically shifted, even if only in pockets of time, the more we therefore expect it to be- and stay.  I believe that is the natural progression of a submissive.  Ideally that is also the natural progression of a Dominant as well.  Sadly they are horrible followers!  LOL

There is a trust built, and I hesitate to say perhaps a level of submission and dominance  came hand in hand with that trust.  When those levels of submission and/or dominance appear watered down, for a day, a week, a month,  or even a isolated situation depending on the individuals involved, that trust can seem or become askew.  I’m not saying it SHOULD be, but for many- such as myself, it can be.

So why after so many years is this even an issue?  Why indeed? Perhaps we didn’t conquer and obtain the piece of the pie initially because it was truly difficult for the team?   Perhaps we have a similar category piece of the pie, and believed it was the same so didn’t try for it? Or a more honest answer might be,  the longer we are in pursuit, the more the rules change because the players, while the same are different as they grow along.

Bailing Out With a Teaspoon

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A few days ago Reed was trying to have a discussion with me.  I say trying to because quite frankly I wasn’t that receptive to the entire process.  My perception is that he tends to repeat himself when it currently comes to our dynamic.  I was trying not to roll my eyes ( I know, frustration has been at an all time high) so I mindlessly flipped through my phone while keeping an ear out.  He was puttering around as he spoke too.  Suddenly he was in front of me, hands down the front of my scoop neck top taking a hold of my nipples.  He pinched and twisted, holding tight.  I flinched and locked my jaw tight.

” Look at me! I want you back….and I intend to get what I want”

That was it.  No more discussion really on the matter that day.  Yesterday did not start out particularly well. In the interest of not making every post a novel I’ll spare you the drama.  Basically I ended up naked and in tears with a halted punishment as the catalyst. Trust me when I say, I wasn’t crying because the punishment didn’t really happen.  There once was a time when if I was being punished Reed knew there was a bigger problem at work here.  Not that I was ever the perfect sub, but submission has always come easily for me ( could have been that for the great majority of our dynamic Reed rarely brought me out of my comfort zone and when he did, if I didn’t comply graciously it was more about discussing why and less about punishment).  Now I struggle, as I said last post, with it in ways I never did.  It is almost like I have gone backwards. So far back I am behind where I even started.  So that was what brought on the tears.

For a long while our conversation was very unproductive.  He once again became repetitive and I shut down further with the occasional sobbing mess thrown in.  After some time, Reed left.  He returned with the vague outline of an idea.  He went on for a while about our relationship and pillars within our foundation that need to be rebuilt. I love my husband dearly, but I have to tell you it took about 45 minutes before he really got to his point. LOL.  I don’t want to poke fun of him, I just want to paint an accurate picture of our discussion.  Basically there was a great deal of ” Lord give me strength to not interrupt and let him process out loud”  His idea?  That we were going to have an agenda, which he would come up with but I would contribute subject matters to for him to think over, for a conversation on our dynamic.  These topics would be very specific and he would follow his agenda, as he tends to get off topic ( his words, but the truth).

This morning he talked to me a bit about the written assignment he gave me last night which was in relation to his agenda idea.  I hadn’t offered too much detail, or maybe even enough of what he wanted, but he claimed it was fine. He started a conversation surrounding our D/s.  I could feel my frustration building as it appeared to be heading the way it normally does.  Thankfully I was mostly able to keep myself in check and Reed was surprisingly patient. He wanted to examine why things he was tasking me to do were not touching me like they used it.

I went on to explain to him that our dynamic was similar to a boat taking on water ( an analogy I had used before).  And because we had had this discussion before I began to feel the boat was sinking.  I told him his tasks were like trying to bail this boat with a teaspoon.  If the boat had just started to take on water, the urgency might not warrant anything more that a small spoon, however this has been going on for a while now.  You can’t bail this much water without a bucket.

We went on to talk about what a bucket would look like.  Fortunately he has a notebook with a ‘day in the life of Evelyn’ that he looked at and we discussed( it showed what he used to demand from me).  He also had expectations and rules printed out in this book.  Some he still maintains, but many go by the wayside.  I have explained to him in the past that if I fail at a rule and it goes unmentioned over time I believe it isn’t important to him.  We talked about how giving me a task to do that I do every day ( ie water the plants in the garden or feed the dog) is rather lazy as a stand alone.  Years ago he would a book with things I like to get done daily, weekly, monthly, special tasks etc, and on top of that I would have to submit any thing I would like to do to him in writing, then he would make up his own agenda from those. He stopped using that book, and the requests in writing disappeared last winter ( a fault of both of us no doubt). It was replaced with the same chores, or he took to asking me what I had planned for the day and told me to do that.

We also talked about things that are expected every day, eating times and bed time for example.  These rules are set in stone and have never been left to fade away, however not mentioning them is as my gf would say, “Set it and forget it” erodes their importance.  He used to text, ” I want to know what you had to eat for lunch” or ”  Five minutes and you better be in bed”.  Just small indications that these rules are still there.  Just as my gf’s husband tells her to to behave when he is gone and complete what he has laid out for her in a manner he expects.  These really aren’t huge time consuming things, but little teaspoons.

Reed finally began to see where things had gone wrong and what my bailing analogy meant.  To him it means so many teaspoons in a day ( right now) so it fills a bucket to attempt to get this boat afloat again.  The clock indicated I was late for lunch, so we moved into the kitchen.  I was frustrated ( a word clearly I use a lot) as Reed changed the topic to mundane things.  Apparently my frustration was written all over my face.  He assured me he wasn’t done our discussion, but needed some time ( please say that then).

” Upstairs now. …strip, face the wall”.  He inspected with a yard stick.  I was to keep my eyes on his the entire time.  Occasionally the yard stick would strike. I was then positioned on all fours, plugged with this large glass plug ( not a fan). Anal sex is one thing as there is a stimulus there before hand usually, but a large glass plug cold turkey I wouldn’t thank you for. After that I was lubed and used.  Did that do anything for me? Meh.  When he was done bruising my cervix, I mean having his way, he positioned me back on all fours and spoke.

” That may have not done anything for you.  I know sometimes taking only serves me, and I am fine with that.  I can accept that you didn’t enjoy it this time because I did.  That may sound selfish, but it was intentional.  These scenarios feed my dominance in many ways because you willingly submit to my needs regardless of if it does much for you”.

He then asked me about my preference with removing the plug.  When he first started using them I begged him to let me take them out. For a while there he would take them out himself, which I found very embarrassing, though he never once made a comment to make me feel embarrassed. Odd really because obviously when we have anal sex he pulls out on his own, so why does the plug make me cringe more?  Anyway after a long bit of silence he told me I could leave and take it out myself.

Later in the day he told me my time and my tasks will be getting more restrictive and specific in the next few days.  I suppose we will see. Am I hopeful?  He seemed a tad different today in his demeanor. Not quite his old self, but he was certainly more receptive in our discussion.

I am unsure if the bailing of this boat will continue in a pace that is effective for both of us, but at least we stopped watching the water rush in and he devised a skeleton plan for the bailing process.

Struggles Seem To Sting More With Experience

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Reed and I have been ‘at this’ for a long time, though I suppose that is a relative statement.  Let’s just say more then 5 years, less then 10 if you need a calendar timeline. An emotional timeline is far more difficult.  I’d say some days it seems like forever, and other days it seems like we are still wet behind the ears.

Only, we are not wet behind the ears, those days seem to have been easier in comparison to now.  The first few years were a real eye opener personally.  There was a great deal of inner growth, realizations of why I hid, or didn’t recognize who I was.  Revelations flew at me at a rapid pace back then.  Things were and still are a bit slower in that department for Reed.  Perhaps it is a male/female difference, or perhaps it is the fact that I had time to prepare for my outing and his every move has been scrutinized since day one, thus leaving him very little time for self discovery because his concentration has been on leading.  But, I digress…..

 I have come to realize many of us are in similar situations with our dynamic..  The longer we live this life, the more we come to rely on our significant other to provide what we expect from them, based on our history within this dynamic.  This isn’t to say we shirk all our responsibilities.   Self improvement, and drive still has to exist, for both parties, but at least for myself the expectation is so much greater now for him to be proactive, to maintain, to alter the course.  

The satisfaction of shooting for the moon and landing on a star seems to diminish when you have landed and walked on the moon.  I don’t believe this means those of us who feel this way are all ungrateful or demanding, it merely means our expectations have grown due our life experiences with this.  Once upon a time many  might have read about others and wished/hoped/desired for a life  like that.  After experiencing it, whether in pockets or constantly, longings change from what others have to what we had, (even if the time has only been a week or so at a time) when we struggle.  Once awakened to a better relationship, or perhaps just a deeper connection in an already good relationship, speaking from a female subs point of view anyway, you can’t unfeel that. Gone is the hoping we could be that some day – changed to knowing we have been that. And quite frankly for me it is like an intoxicating drug.  The freedom found in living such an unguarded existence is too incredible for me to accurately express in words.

So, where do Reed and I find ourselves currently? Hoping the cloud cover will blow past so we can even SEE the moon to shoot for.  Sometimes the upheaval of schedules due to summer vacation is to blame – but our expectations are that we have lived this life for so long, that should not happen.  Now we find ourselves in a spot where the reason  for this endless loop ( it has been a few months now) is more important than where we are.  There are still stand alone instances of D/s but it doesn’t feel like it is an undercurrent running through our relationship at the moment.

HOW did this happen is  the burning question.  There were no outward distractions, greater than normal anyway.  There was no illness, or life getting in the way.  It appears it was just US.  Pressures,  and  expectations….one feeling they need to rely on a person for something they feel they are refusing to deliver upon in a meaningful way….the other feeling fearful for reasons the first does not comprehend. 

Communication they say is key.  We communicate so differently now then we did 2 years ago, and completely differently then we did when we began. The depth of communication, and yes expectations from communication has changed.  Both of us  expect more and instantaneous results from our conversations.  Sadly that doesn’t always happen. Some days it feels like there is little point to conversing, afterall haven’t we both said the same things a hundred times before?  Reed’s answer to that statement, ” Then we shall say them 101 times”.

It has been my experience that this dynamic doesn’t get easier as we cross off days on the calendar.  The struggles or the reasons behind the challenges  on the surface appear to be similar to ones we started out with in the first few years , and to a degree they are.  What is different is knowing; knowing you can live, feel, experience a different degree of life with your significant other.  There is a longing to reach back into the past and relive that time.  There is a confusion on how on earth you stumbled AGAIN.  It is so much more than merely opening Pandora’s Box. There is a part of your soul that has been touched so deeply you cannot deny its existence.  You hold the key to that, but you need the other person to turn it; to unlock the final piece.  And the thing about this dynamic which many don’t realize, you need them to unlock it over and over again.

For some that may mean every day.  For others once a week, or month.  I believe our personal histories before our relationships and within the context of the dynamic plays a pivotal role in how often we find our lock needs to be opened.  I know personally I do far better if Reed props the ‘door open’ but honestly often he has to pull me through it in order for me to feel it is okay to be there. Once there I am generally good for staying put…until I am not.

Lately I have felt as if I have been pounding from the inside of a vault and the other side can’t make out the sound. I just want to get back to the track we  were on.  It wasn’t ever perfect, but it was heading in a direction of great promise.  When we are where we find ourselves now I begin to question whether what happened was real, or if I read too much into it, to make it what I needed it to be.

I suspect we will be fine, we always end up having another pocket of connection.  I just grow weary of all of the time clinging to the memories of our past and waiting for them to be our present again.