Updating A Blogland Analogy to Fit Us

Featured

Odd, I created this space to write, and then I didn’t.  Believe it or not that isn’t typical of me.  I have written a lot for Reed, or perhaps AT Reed would be more accurate, but not to share.

Why today? ( especially as I am ‘high’ on medication and after rereading the entire post several times, am confused as to why I started writing it in the first place? LOL) I can’t actually answer that.  With Google shutting down google plus in a few weeks, I found myself pouring over old chats from when I first started down this road years ago.  Why I said *I* and not we is because I had started to live submission before bringing it to Reed.  It occurred to me reading these old chats/emails that in some small way, I miss the ‘simplicity’ of it all when life was new with ttwd.  Though I have to say, back then it felt anything but simple.

Years ago there was a post floating around comparing Dd and those attempting it to the game Trivial Pursuit.  The basic premise of the post was we all start off with empty game pieces.  Some people zoom around the board at a rapid pace, not collecting any pieces, or accumulating many depending on their knowledge ( Dd wise-experiences and opportunities).  Life throws many things at us, and we are all so different that one Dd team may get the consistency pie piece right away, but the effective communication piece might be illusive for a while ( as a simple example).

I think of this often when I think of where I am specifically with my submission and where we are as a ‘team’.  Years into Dd D/s I have found we have what some would consider ‘newbie’ issues- but issues we didn’t have as newbies.  Reed creating  more submission opportunities comes to mind.  Yes, I still believe that the onus is on me to be the most authentic me I can be and that means being a submissive regardless of life around me.  However life isn’t that cut and dry.  Often mistakes, and miscommunication derail my once steadfast conviction to my authentic self. Honestly I believe we have even created new bad habits in the past couple of years.

Where once upon a time I looked for any indication of dominance and blew oxygen into that. Years later I find I often LOOK for the dominance before feeling my submission. ( Yet oddly enough after Reed goes to work and I am alone, I begin to work on it myself again) In my mind’s eye, that shouldn’t be.  In my memory it wasn’t like that prior.  BUT I suppose we didn’t collect that piece of the pie when we landed on it years ago?

My real reasoning for bringing up the Trivial Pursuit analogy was because I revisited a blog I hadn’t in a very long time because I basically couldn’t relate before.  Not that the author wasn’t a good writer or that I didn’t find value in their dynamic, it just wasn’t something I could draw from, at the time.  Today was different.  Today ( my take away at least) she wrote about how she can do submissive things though not easily ( I have always felt submission for the most part on a day to day basis comes easily- but perhaps Reed doesn’t require much from me.  On an emotional day?  Not so much) but the greatest growth for her comes when he demands more than she thinks she can give.  Today we seem to be working on the same pie piece.

There has always been that debate among friends and myself- is it truly submission if it is easy? if it doesn’t cost anything? * That usually gets the subs going in a conversation! LOL.  My personal answer? Not for me.  I should probably expand that to include, sure it is submission for him visually, and without those little acts of submission the big ones would never happen, but my growth, ease, and acceptance of who I am comes with the more challenging ‘acts’ of submission.   Sort of like an artist sitting down to colour versus an artist painting an original work of art.  Or maybe a runner going around the block instead of running 5k. ( can’t say we’ve approached marathon status to use that in the analogy).  The every day little jaunts keep one in shape, to a point, but leaves the knowledge that what can be done isn’t required- especially if what can be done, HAS been done.

It is something I have noticed with many of my DdD/s friends over the years.  The more the balance of power is authentically shifted, even if only in pockets of time, the more we therefore expect it to be- and stay.  I believe that is the natural progression of a submissive.  Ideally that is also the natural progression of a Dominant as well.  Sadly they are horrible followers!  LOL

There is a trust built, and I hesitate to say perhaps a level of submission and dominance  came hand in hand with that trust.  When those levels of submission and/or dominance appear watered down, for a day, a week, a month,  or even a isolated situation depending on the individuals involved, that trust can seem or become askew.  I’m not saying it SHOULD be, but for many- such as myself, it can be.

So why after so many years is this even an issue?  Why indeed? Perhaps we didn’t conquer and obtain the piece of the pie initially because it was truly difficult for the team?   Perhaps we have a similar category piece of the pie, and believed it was the same so didn’t try for it? Or a more honest answer might be,  the longer we are in pursuit, the more the rules change because the players, while the same are different as they grow along.

Advertisements

The Onus is Always On Me First

Featured

Why does it take so long to reset a mindset? You KNOW in your head where you need to be but the heart always takes so much longer. Honestly I personally find this an extremely frustrating part of my character!

I read, A LOT.  Not Dd or D/s fiction, couldn’t be bothered, but the rest of you have at it if that is your thing, no judgment here.  I read a lot of blogs, tumblr, chats, (though I rarely participate anymore), forums.  I don’t participate in many of those areas anymore because I just can’t relate.  That is more a comment on myself than the contributors I can assure you. I can’t pinpoint why I feel like a fish out of water in those areas.  I have thought on it for a long time.  People in this community don’t change on mass, so it makes no sense other than where I am at mentally that I cannot find a common ground or couldn’t be bothered to dig to find it- I should say.

So anyway, I read a lot and think a WHOLE lot more! I examine motivation, what is between the lines, not to criticize but to understand.  To examine where I might be in that situation.  To understand the struggle in hopes to understand myself.  I also think out loud a LOT.  Ask my friends! lol.  I miss the in depth conversations I used to take part in more than I do now.

Anyway I digress- as life would have it, I have been talking to a woman relatively new to this dynamic.  Her dynamic is vastly different than mine only due to the mindset of both her and her husband.  The way her story has been told to me over the past few weeks, their motivation is completely different than mine or Reed’s.  Not here to judge on whether that is right or wrong, it is just different.  Sometimes though through vast differences one can see themselves.

I began to realize as I became more and more involved in her life as a sounding board that my answers were the answers *I* actually needed to hear.  When we first embarked on this , ‘journey’ , ‘adventure’, ‘hell ride’, ‘ roller coaster’,  ‘yellow brick road to the great and mysterious Oz’  I viewed my position as keeper of MY promises.  Sounds overly simplistic, but it in reality it IS that simple.  Remove the hurt caused by past history.  Remove the frustration of lack of forward movement from my Dom ( at times). Remove the stresses of every day life- and goodness knows there are heaps of those.  Beyond all of those things are my promises.

I didn’t obey because Reed was deserving of it.  It wasn’t my duty to police him. I didn’t obey or submit to ‘build him up so he’d be more dominant’.  I didn’t  put a time limit on submission based on his dominance.  I obeyed/ submitted because I said I would.  I obeyed/submitted because I have this deep seated need to defer to him.  The benefits were amazing, as true weightlessness and freedom was found on the other side.

Somewhere along the line though, I lost sight of MY responsibility in my mindset.  Sure I can claim his actions, words, broken promises on occasion ( for whatever reason, sometimes it was unavoidable) gave me justification in my mind to run and hide.  I made a wall of self righteousness because of hurt.  It is far easier to be angry and use that emotion as a force field to deflect any wrong doing on my part and keep me ‘safe’ while doing so.  I told myself, and him that standing where I was was all I could do.  I couldn’t meet him half way.  I needed him to prove to me it was safe to do so.  And to be truthful I did.  The issue became that he did start to meet me half way, some days literally grabbing me and hauling me in that direction. But somewhere along the line, I put the onus of my submission on him in my own mind. Proving I need him to be there is one thing, but how I see or react to such ‘proof’ is my doing.

What sub doesn’t want to hear the words, ” I want you back.  And bit by bit inch by inch I am going to get you back even if that means I have to do so with you kicking and screaming all the way.” ?  My heart did soar the moment he said that but I allowed my mind to quickly grab it and pull it back to the ground with a crashing thud! Essentially I lost the plot.  I can sit with many of you and justify why I couldn’t allow myself to trust based on a hundred different arguments, and I’d be correct.  HOWEVER I was missing the best argument of all to trust, because I said I would. Because at my core that is who I am.  That is who I need to be and who I want to be.

You know we often hear of consistency or lack thereof when discussing Dd/ D/s.  Usually a Dd wife will declare that her husband is inconsistent.  I always was conflicted by this, in my life.  You see, while I understand that and have been the ‘victim’ of it myself, the other side of the coin is always, ” If you are being consistent, then how are you aware he is not?” .  I mean if you are doing what you promised to do, follow rules ,expectations etc…then he really shouldn’t have much to do in the way of discipline should he? LOL.  Which is actually why we ended up morphing into D/s to give us more outwardly ways to show Dominance and Submission.  No our issue here is continuity, but that is for a whole other post.

So today I wake with not a new or fresh perspective.  Today I blew off the dust of my old perspective.  I saw it there for a long time I just couldn’t uncover it fully. Today I submit fully, (I have been robotically submitting for the most part)because I said I would.  He can do what he does because in part it currently  should make little difference negatively affecting my mindset.  I will  always need support and cultivation to grow and feel acceptance of who I am ( which he does give me more often than not), but starting today I will be me.  I will not fight the little voice- I will fight the loud one of doubt.  Today I will start the motion of flipping their positions again.  I will do so by taking the small/giant step of fulfilling my promises, not just for his benefit, but for mine. Because I AM responsible for my own mindset. The onus is and always has been on me to be submissive in every aspect of the word.