Reading Rather Than Writing

It would appear my great attempt at blogging here has fizzled again.   I tend to do more reading now than writing. Not sure when I’ll be back. It could be tomorrow or never. Regardless I thought I’d leave you  with a few places I read that you may never have heard of. Stop by, you never know….you might gain a new perspective, a new friend or a new place to procrastinate.  TTFN! ( so many talking/thinking points found in many of his essays) ( go through the archives) ( long time Dd/D/s er ) ( newer to the Dd portion but not the D/s bedroom part) ( I could listen to her talk in her videos all day)

Updating A Blogland Analogy to Fit Us


Odd, I created this space to write, and then I didn’t.  Believe it or not that isn’t typical of me.  I have written a lot for Reed, or perhaps AT Reed would be more accurate, but not to share.

Why today? ( especially as I am ‘high’ on medication and after rereading the entire post several times, am confused as to why I started writing it in the first place? LOL) I can’t actually answer that.  With Google shutting down google plus in a few weeks, I found myself pouring over old chats from when I first started down this road years ago.  Why I said *I* and not we is because I had started to live submission before bringing it to Reed.  It occurred to me reading these old chats/emails that in some small way, I miss the ‘simplicity’ of it all when life was new with ttwd.  Though I have to say, back then it felt anything but simple.

Years ago there was a post floating around comparing Dd and those attempting it to the game Trivial Pursuit.  The basic premise of the post was we all start off with empty game pieces.  Some people zoom around the board at a rapid pace, not collecting any pieces, or accumulating many depending on their knowledge ( Dd wise-experiences and opportunities).  Life throws many things at us, and we are all so different that one Dd team may get the consistency pie piece right away, but the effective communication piece might be illusive for a while ( as a simple example).

I think of this often when I think of where I am specifically with my submission and where we are as a ‘team’.  Years into Dd D/s I have found we have what some would consider ‘newbie’ issues- but issues we didn’t have as newbies.  Reed creating  more submission opportunities comes to mind.  Yes, I still believe that the onus is on me to be the most authentic me I can be and that means being a submissive regardless of life around me.  However life isn’t that cut and dry.  Often mistakes, and miscommunication derail my once steadfast conviction to my authentic self. Honestly I believe we have even created new bad habits in the past couple of years.

Where once upon a time I looked for any indication of dominance and blew oxygen into that. Years later I find I often LOOK for the dominance before feeling my submission. ( Yet oddly enough after Reed goes to work and I am alone, I begin to work on it myself again) In my mind’s eye, that shouldn’t be.  In my memory it wasn’t like that prior.  BUT I suppose we didn’t collect that piece of the pie when we landed on it years ago?

My real reasoning for bringing up the Trivial Pursuit analogy was because I revisited a blog I hadn’t in a very long time because I basically couldn’t relate before.  Not that the author wasn’t a good writer or that I didn’t find value in their dynamic, it just wasn’t something I could draw from, at the time.  Today was different.  Today ( my take away at least) she wrote about how she can do submissive things though not easily ( I have always felt submission for the most part on a day to day basis comes easily- but perhaps Reed doesn’t require much from me.  On an emotional day?  Not so much) but the greatest growth for her comes when he demands more than she thinks she can give.  Today we seem to be working on the same pie piece.

There has always been that debate among friends and myself- is it truly submission if it is easy? if it doesn’t cost anything? * That usually gets the subs going in a conversation! LOL.  My personal answer? Not for me.  I should probably expand that to include, sure it is submission for him visually, and without those little acts of submission the big ones would never happen, but my growth, ease, and acceptance of who I am comes with the more challenging ‘acts’ of submission.   Sort of like an artist sitting down to colour versus an artist painting an original work of art.  Or maybe a runner going around the block instead of running 5k. ( can’t say we’ve approached marathon status to use that in the analogy).  The every day little jaunts keep one in shape, to a point, but leaves the knowledge that what can be done isn’t required- especially if what can be done, HAS been done.

It is something I have noticed with many of my DdD/s friends over the years.  The more the balance of power is authentically shifted, even if only in pockets of time, the more we therefore expect it to be- and stay.  I believe that is the natural progression of a submissive.  Ideally that is also the natural progression of a Dominant as well.  Sadly they are horrible followers!  LOL

There is a trust built, and I hesitate to say perhaps a level of submission and dominance  came hand in hand with that trust.  When those levels of submission and/or dominance appear watered down, for a day, a week, a month,  or even a isolated situation depending on the individuals involved, that trust can seem or become askew.  I’m not saying it SHOULD be, but for many- such as myself, it can be.

So why after so many years is this even an issue?  Why indeed? Perhaps we didn’t conquer and obtain the piece of the pie initially because it was truly difficult for the team?   Perhaps we have a similar category piece of the pie, and believed it was the same so didn’t try for it? Or a more honest answer might be,  the longer we are in pursuit, the more the rules change because the players, while the same are different as they grow along.

The Onus is Always On Me First


Why does it take so long to reset a mindset? You KNOW in your head where you need to be but the heart always takes so much longer. Honestly I personally find this an extremely frustrating part of my character!

I read, A LOT.  Not Dd or D/s fiction, couldn’t be bothered, but the rest of you have at it if that is your thing, no judgment here.  I read a lot of blogs, tumblr, chats, (though I rarely participate anymore), forums.  I don’t participate in many of those areas anymore because I just can’t relate.  That is more a comment on myself than the contributors I can assure you. I can’t pinpoint why I feel like a fish out of water in those areas.  I have thought on it for a long time.  People in this community don’t change on mass, so it makes no sense other than where I am at mentally that I cannot find a common ground or couldn’t be bothered to dig to find it- I should say.

So anyway, I read a lot and think a WHOLE lot more! I examine motivation, what is between the lines, not to criticize but to understand.  To examine where I might be in that situation.  To understand the struggle in hopes to understand myself.  I also think out loud a LOT.  Ask my friends! lol.  I miss the in depth conversations I used to take part in more than I do now.

Anyway I digress- as life would have it, I have been talking to a woman relatively new to this dynamic.  Her dynamic is vastly different than mine only due to the mindset of both her and her husband.  The way her story has been told to me over the past few weeks, their motivation is completely different than mine or Reed’s.  Not here to judge on whether that is right or wrong, it is just different.  Sometimes though through vast differences one can see themselves.

I began to realize as I became more and more involved in her life as a sounding board that my answers were the answers *I* actually needed to hear.  When we first embarked on this , ‘journey’ , ‘adventure’, ‘hell ride’, ‘ roller coaster’,  ‘yellow brick road to the great and mysterious Oz’  I viewed my position as keeper of MY promises.  Sounds overly simplistic, but it in reality it IS that simple.  Remove the hurt caused by past history.  Remove the frustration of lack of forward movement from my Dom ( at times). Remove the stresses of every day life- and goodness knows there are heaps of those.  Beyond all of those things are my promises.

I didn’t obey because Reed was deserving of it.  It wasn’t my duty to police him. I didn’t obey or submit to ‘build him up so he’d be more dominant’.  I didn’t  put a time limit on submission based on his dominance.  I obeyed/ submitted because I said I would.  I obeyed/submitted because I have this deep seated need to defer to him.  The benefits were amazing, as true weightlessness and freedom was found on the other side.

Somewhere along the line though, I lost sight of MY responsibility in my mindset.  Sure I can claim his actions, words, broken promises on occasion ( for whatever reason, sometimes it was unavoidable) gave me justification in my mind to run and hide.  I made a wall of self righteousness because of hurt.  It is far easier to be angry and use that emotion as a force field to deflect any wrong doing on my part and keep me ‘safe’ while doing so.  I told myself, and him that standing where I was was all I could do.  I couldn’t meet him half way.  I needed him to prove to me it was safe to do so.  And to be truthful I did.  The issue became that he did start to meet me half way, some days literally grabbing me and hauling me in that direction. But somewhere along the line, I put the onus of my submission on him in my own mind. Proving I need him to be there is one thing, but how I see or react to such ‘proof’ is my doing.

What sub doesn’t want to hear the words, ” I want you back.  And bit by bit inch by inch I am going to get you back even if that means I have to do so with you kicking and screaming all the way.” ?  My heart did soar the moment he said that but I allowed my mind to quickly grab it and pull it back to the ground with a crashing thud! Essentially I lost the plot.  I can sit with many of you and justify why I couldn’t allow myself to trust based on a hundred different arguments, and I’d be correct.  HOWEVER I was missing the best argument of all to trust, because I said I would. Because at my core that is who I am.  That is who I need to be and who I want to be.

You know we often hear of consistency or lack thereof when discussing Dd/ D/s.  Usually a Dd wife will declare that her husband is inconsistent.  I always was conflicted by this, in my life.  You see, while I understand that and have been the ‘victim’ of it myself, the other side of the coin is always, ” If you are being consistent, then how are you aware he is not?” .  I mean if you are doing what you promised to do, follow rules ,expectations etc…then he really shouldn’t have much to do in the way of discipline should he? LOL.  Which is actually why we ended up morphing into D/s to give us more outwardly ways to show Dominance and Submission.  No our issue here is continuity, but that is for a whole other post.

So today I wake with not a new or fresh perspective.  Today I blew off the dust of my old perspective.  I saw it there for a long time I just couldn’t uncover it fully. Today I submit fully, (I have been robotically submitting for the most part)because I said I would.  He can do what he does because in part it currently  should make little difference negatively affecting my mindset.  I will  always need support and cultivation to grow and feel acceptance of who I am ( which he does give me more often than not), but starting today I will be me.  I will not fight the little voice- I will fight the loud one of doubt.  Today I will start the motion of flipping their positions again.  I will do so by taking the small/giant step of fulfilling my promises, not just for his benefit, but for mine. Because I AM responsible for my own mindset. The onus is and always has been on me to be submissive in every aspect of the word.


D/s is a game? Not to us.


I am going to take a different turn here today because I think my pondering/rambling and maybe even pontificating in this post might help me get back to me a bit.

I was talking the other day to a few girl friends.  One mentioned something she heard, ( not sure the source, not sure the entire context of the conversation but this little snippet prompted me to write about it.  I have no clue what the person who said it or a portion of it meant as none of us were there when it was said).  Basically the quote was,

D/s is play and Dd is real”


Huh.  First off I should say, I don’t subscribe to any hierarchy when it comes to dynamics.  For some being taken in hand is far more difficult than others who are slaves. It is all subjective.  In my opinion it is all  based on the individuals within those dynamics.  The reason I do have an issue with this is primarily the judgmental aspect to the statement.  If I were to examine it through my lens ( which I am totally going to do LOL) I’d say this individual hasn’t lived a D/s dynamic.  Perhaps they have played at BDSM or are confusing the two?  But for today I am going to dissect how with my life experience thus far this quote couldn’t be further from the truth.

We came at this dynamic via Dd.  Or so we thought, not about to go into how Dd is actually a form of D/s, that is a topic for another day.  Based on this quote above I am going to leave that fact out and delve into how our lives began to change when we opened up our minds to the D/s concept.

( I don’t want to waste time constantly adding disclaimers here….or lengthen the post as I am already a wordy woman.  I will be writing via our view point so if I say he or she please do not think I am excluding male subs or female Doms.  The post will most like sound preachy, and again only our point of view from experience so please don’t feel insulted or talked down to, if it appears I am doing that)

OKAY so FOR US….. lol

Dd now seems a bit lazy, in comparison to where we are now.  I know it takes a lot of hard work for many, but for us it was a great stepping stone to this other life.  Yes Dd is still part of our dynamic, but as a foundation to build  upon.  I say lazy because really my Hoh reacted to my actions.  He set the rules, I was to follow ( oh see D/s…lol) but if I didn’t he was to take action.  With D/s he sets the rules, I am to follow, that hasn’t changed, but the rules or expectations grow. There is also not  the thought of  ‘getting caught’ if a rule is broken.  My bum doesn’t tingle or anything else for that matter if I break a rule and am going to be punished.  It is a huge deal that can take its toll on our relationship in ways it didn’t during Dd.  Breaking a rule is breaking a promise. What else has changed is  the fact that expectations are there to keep me or him in our mindset, and our roles as well.  There are exercises in submission to help cultivate my need.  These help me grow, bring down walls, etc.

I think many people believe D/s is all about kink ( confession I did when we started Dd), and for some it most certainly is.  For us the kink is fun( at least for ONE of us), it brings us closer, but it also serves a purpose- cultivation.  The thing for us is, the kink aspect while it plays a key part, isn’t the entire picture.

In fact it is submitting to very vanilla things that has me at my most submissive.  Without the D/s in vanilla activities, the kink stuff falls very short.  I can feel extremely detached regardless of what is going on sexually to me if my submissive mindset is on pause.

So what kind of vanilla?  Well I am and always have been a stay at home wife.  My responsibility is our home.  Reed has to work later, and has instructed me to iron a shirt for him ( even though there are a few ready to go in his closet already).  I have to do this at a specific time, no where near the time he is going to go to work).  It isn’t a huge deal right? Except to me this makes no sense.  I can iron 10 shirts all at once, because the ironing board will be out, but that isn’t going to happen. ONE SHIRT, at this time.  Why?  Because he said so.  Do I want to?  NOPE.  Will I get all melty because I did?  Probably not. Will I do it ?  Of course.  Will I have nipple clamps on, and a plug in*- probably not this time, but who knows? Does this bring us closer?  Not really, BUT it helps the dynamic. * side note, I had to stop writing to iron his ONE shirt, no nipple clamps or butt plug- and I’m not disappointed.  LOL

Of course I would have ironed more shirts for him today, but this is his agenda. I don’t control the situation by doing more ironing because it makes more sense- something I would have done Dd days.   I submit. I submit to the spirit of the direction. I submit to making appointments on his demand/request. I stay off of the computer, or phone, or ask to call someone.  I eat when I am told to, drink or don’t drink when I am supposed to.  I am not to ask for alcohol at home with him, but I can text him if someone offers me a drink.  The list goes on and on.   All of these little things, vanilla in nature to the outside eye, well maybe not because I have to ask, but they aren’t sexual, maintain or build upon our dynamic. They serve a purpose.

When first starting our Dd relationship, there was no maintaining anything.  It (as once said somewhere) was Set it and Forget it.  He set the rules, I followed, and it was not really brought up again unless I broke them.  Of course we had resets, ( oh look D/s) when I started to drift away or get curt, but for the most part as long as the 5 D’s he set out where followed we went about our merry way….until I needed more ( another story for another day).  Dd as we lived it opened a portal to a more D/s structured lifestyle- which ultimately became just life.

D/s became the electricity that ran through our relationship and kept it moving.  I don’t mean just sparks, I mean it became the thing that kept us both alive.  To us it isn’t a game, though when deep connection is lost, or one partner seems to pause, it can most certainly feel game-like, but trust me games don’t hurt emotionally like this.  Games don’t reach down and touch your soul allowing you to live your true life.

We don’t have rituals or protocol ( currently in our lives God only knows what the future will bring).  I am not certain from where we stand now, that is truly us.  I know for many it works wonders, for us it currently would feel forced.  Living this dynamic though, I have learned to say ‘never say never’.

I became *a* submissive through D/s.  Prior to that I submitted.  Perhaps for those who haven’t gone through that metamorphosis, there is no distinction. Perhaps for those who have always been *a* submissive, they also can not relate.  I can only describe what I believed happened to me.

Perhaps those of us who live a D/s lifestyle should feel insulted by the comment.  I don’t.  I think the media, tumblr et al promote an idea of something.  If one doesn’t delve deeper and only reads the ‘tweet’ they can formulate an opinion based on appearance alone.  If one has played and that is their D/s, that is their D/s. I can’t argue that point.  That is their experience and I cannot nor should I try to convince them otherwise.  That just isn’t our experience

D/s is difficult.  At least it is for me at times. The things I am about to say, can no doubt be found  in Dd and vanilla relationships.  Some of them existed in our vanilla marriage for years, yet they didn’t bring the same satisfaction,  and connection they do now within the context of our dynamic.   I anticipate more now, and  what has changed is it is expected of me.  I have to think what he would like and how to achieve that.  All these little exercises given or taken put him first in my mind, despite what I want.  That doesn’t mean I sacrifice my identity, or push aside all I need- but it can mean pushing aside what I want  or when my needs are met, for a greater good.  This also doesn’t mean, in our relationship, he sits on his throne and commands orders that serve him only—all the time.  He sacrifices a lot- especially time, to cultivate our life.  The life we need.  The letting go of control only happens if he creates situations that control has to be relinquished, no matter how small.  With Dd, I just had to fall in line and give up control when it came to punishments, or decision making on a larger scale.   These decisions that came our way,  the universe presented.  With D/s he creates opportunities to submit to his control, and yes often that does include sexually.

In our dynamic, even when he can’t see me, actually especially when he can’t see me I am to be his submissive in order to thrive.  Some things seem small and ridiculous, perhaps game-like to others;

I generally get up hours before Reed ( unless it was today when I was told I had to stay in bed until 7 am.  I usually wake between 5 and 6, and am a morning person so laying there doing nothing was torture.  At 7 he told me I could go down at 7:30 to make coffee….URGH!) I have my coffee long before him.  My ‘ritual’ for myself is to brew my coffee then before even taking a sip set everything up for his coffee- even if it will to be hours later before he gets up.  Does he know this?  I have no clue.  BUT it does something for me to know I am ready for him at any time.  He will often expect me in a dress of some sort.  Though he doesn’t say I have to wear one, unless he does.  I could technically change the moment he walks out the door.  He’d never know.  If I have put on a dress because that is what I chose that day as it is his preference, I technically could change into sweats and not be disobedient at all….but I don’t.  I want to remain the visual he left until it is time for bed.  I have no rules or expectations on how to do my hair or make up, but I do what he likes, because I am a) his wife but moreover b) because he likes it and I am his submissive.  Do I want to deal with this curly/frizzy mess when it is a thousand degrees out and put mascara on when my eyelids are sweating?  HELL NO!  But I take pride in doing so because it is how he likes things. If he gives me a list of chores, often there isn’t a time constraint, but sometimes there is.  If there isn’t I still do what he wants done first.  I don’t do this because I might run out of time, though that could happen.  I do it because I want his wants done first.  Granted there is also a benefit of letting go of the nagging feeling that I haven’t done what he wants when I do his stuff first, but that isn’t the primary reason.

Last example- this post. I am in a bit of a ‘(censored) you!’ mode today.  Probably hormones, but regardless it is there.  I decided to reflect on things to see if I could crack the armour just a tiny bit.  But now I have to go wipe out the fridge.  The King ( 😉 ) has a headache and is in bed.  He texted me he wants it completed within the next 45 minutes.  I could probably do it in less time up to snuff for him, but that isn’t the spirit of the exercise. If it isn’t the best I can make it, and yes something as simple as wiping out a fridge to the highest standard (not his but higher) is part of it.

I don’t expect others to understand how my mind works and how my heart follows because of our D/s dynamic.  That really wasn’t the point.  I would hope that even if one doesn’t understand what makes this particular submissive tick the vernacular used to define someone else’s dynamic or life would be open ended, and less close minded.  A girl can dream.  I mean what else does she have to do with her head stuck in a fridge wiping out mystery gelatinous crap off of the shelves?

Thanks for being my therapy session!